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ph: (09)480-6530
9:00am - 3:00pm
fax: (09)480-6572
email: office@grg.org.nz
Trust Head Office:
PO Box 34-892
Birkenhead,
Auckland
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren ™ Charitable Trust 2005
SUBJECT: National Office NZ Report October 2007 Carer Data base: 3525 Milestone Moment: Membership is now over 3500! Remember, if you have your Grandchildren and they are safe, you
have already become a success story. Recommended Reading: “Managing Mayhem”
By Marilyn Waring. NEW: East Tamaki Auckland GRG Support group Disability Advisory Council: Carers Alliance It is not just GRG’s and Kinship Carers
who read our newsletter, so do parents! When I read through the newsletter I go through it with a highlighter and mark parts that I find really important. Reading Margaret Cunningham's article "The Benefit of Hindsight" I almost highlighted the whole article. I agree with her when she says Hindsight is only beneficial if we pay attention to it and while reading it pay attention to Margaret's hindsight is beneficial. We have 4 children 3 boys and 1 girl our daughter being the youngest turned 1 recently. The boys are 12 10 and 8. Reading what Margaret had to say is refreshing knowing how hard parenting is sometimes and knowing that our time with our children goes by so quickly. I always ask people with older children if time went by quickly with their children and they all say yes. Thank you for reminding me "how precious that pot of gold really is" I am not a grandparent and read your newsletters as a parent. There is much knowledge and wisdom in these newsletters very much like the elders my wife and I enjoy listening to. I have really enjoyed reading your newsletters and just wanted to email my thoughts to you. return to top Auckland Wide Communal
Clothing room Things to consider when going
for Parenting Orders Now we are not saying you will get all of this, but it is a working point for you to consider. You indeed may have more ideas/needs. return to top Family First Conference:
15 October 2007 Q: Where Grandparents/kin carers have stepped in and taken Parenting orders for their whanau/family children through the family Court often at the behest of CYF, What are your policies, if any, or your parties stand in regard to grandparents/kin getting equal payments and benefits with Foster Care people? A: National: We have just been made aware of this situation and
will be looking at it further. No policy as yet. This is a very shortened version of what was said but we are sure you get the gist of it. Is your Grand/kin
child included in your Benefit? Can I get a Domestic Purposes Benefit? If you are a sole parent You may also be able to get the Domestic Purposes Benefit for sole
parents if you are caring for a child not your own. If you are caring for someone sick or infirm If you are a woman alone 50 years or over Having trouble getting little ones to sleep with
Daylight savings? The World is Your Oyster It had all happened so fast, thinking back to April 07, she came home from school with a letter stating that she had been selected to represent not just her school but her Country at the September World Champs. Five months, to arrange everything in. First there were the costs, travel insurance, medical requirements as she uses an inhaler for Asthma, passports, trainings, meetings, and more meetings etc the list went on and on. Nan she said, this is going to be to hard to achieve, yet I reminded her, of how her Papa would say, go after what you want, live your life and follow your dreams. And that together we achieved for her. Thanks to the support of family, friends and personal sponsors, she stood there a member of a team that were all so proud of themselves and their achievements. Two weeks later on the 27th September a tired but enthusiastic team came home, a little disappointed that they had not won a medal, but they had participated in and done, their families, friends, school, town and country proud. We are still sifting through all the pamphlets, booklets and photos of a trip of a life time. She met many people of different cultures. Seen places she had only dreamed of. I sit here now and listen to her, yes, she has a whole new outlook
on life. She has goals, she bubbles with enthusiasm. If My Body was a Car: ? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it..... Almost every time I sneeze, cough
or splutter........either my radiator leaks or Question on sleeping arrangements Bonding and Attachment
in Maltreated Children: How you can Help Each individual's ability to form and maintain relationships using this "emotional glue" is different. Some people seem "naturally" capable of loving. They form numerous intimate and caring relationships and, in doing so, get pleasure. Others are not so lucky. They feel no "pull" to form intimate relationships, find little pleasure in being with or close to others. They have few, if any, friends, and more distant, less emotional glue with family. In extreme cases an individual may have no intact emotional bond to any other person. They are self-absorbed, aloof, or may even present with classic neuropsychiatry signs of being schizoid or autistic. The capacity and desire to form emotional relationships is related to the organization and functioning of specific parts of the human brain. Just as the brain allows us to see, smell, taste, think, talk, and move, it is the organ that allows us to love — or not. The systems in the human brain that allow us to form and maintain emotional relationships develop during infancy and the first years of life. Experiences during this early vulnerable period of life are critical to shaping the capacity to form intimate and emotionally healthy relationships. Empathy, caring, sharing, inhibition of aggression, capacity to love, and a host of other characteristics of a healthy, happy, and productive person are related to the core attachment capabilities which are formed in infancy and early childhood. return to top What Can I Do To Help Maltreated Children? Nurture these children. They need to be held, rocked, and cuddled. Be physical, caring, and loving to children with attachment problems. Be aware that for many of these children, touch in the past has been associated with pain, torture, or sexual abuse. In these cases, make sure you carefully monitor how they respond — be "attuned" to their responses to your nurturing and act accordingly. In many ways, you are providing replacement experiences that should have taken place during their infancy — but you are doing this when their brains are harder to modify and change. Therefore, they will need even more bonding experiences to help them to develop attachments. Try to understand the behaviours before punishment or consequences. The more you can learn about attachment problems, bonding, normal development, and abnormal development, the more you will be able to develop useful behavioural and social interventions. Information about these problems can prevent you from misunderstanding the child's behaviours. When these children hoard food, for example, it should not be viewed as "stealing" but as a common and predictable result of being deprived of food during early childhood. A punitive approach to this problem (and many others) will not help the child mature. Instead, punishment may actually increase the child's sense of insecurity, distress, and need to hoard food. So many of these children's behaviours are confusing and disturbing to adults. You can get help from professionals if you find yourself struggling to create or implement a practical and useful approach to these problems. Interact with these children based on emotional age. Abused and neglected children will often be emotionally and socially delayed. And whenever they are frustrated or fearful, they will regress. This means that, at any given moment, a ten-year old child may emotionally be a two-year old. Despite our wishes that they would "act their age" and our insistence to do so, they are not capable of that. These are the times that we must interact with them at their emotional level. If they are tearful, frustrated, or overwhelmed (emotionally age two), treat them as if they were that age. Use soothing non-verbal interactions. Hold them. Rock them. Sing quietly. This is not the time to use complex verbal arguments about the consequences of inappropriate behaviour. Be consistent, predictable and repetitive. Maltreated children with attachment problems are very sensitive to changes in schedule, transitions, surprises, chaotic social situations, and, in general, any new situation. Busy and unique social situations will overwhelm them, even if they are pleasant! Birthday parties, sleepovers, holidays, family trips, the start of the school year, and the end of the school year — all can be disorganizing for these children. Because of this, any efforts that can be made to be consistent, predictable, and repetitive will be very important in making maltreated children feel safe and secure. When they feel safe, they can benefit from the nurturing and enriching emotional and social experiences you provide them. If they are anxious and fearful, they cannot benefit from your nurturing in the same ways. Model and teach appropriate social behaviours. Many abused and neglected children do not know how to interact with other people. One of the best ways to teach them is to model this in your own behaviours, and then narrate for the child what you are doing and why. Become a play-by-play announcer: "I am going to the sink to wash my hands before dinner because…" or "I take the soap and put it on my hands like this…." Children see, hear, and imitate. In addition to modelling, you can "coach" maltreated children as they play with other children. Use a similar play-by-play approach: "Well, when you take that from someone, they probably feel pretty upset; so if you want them to have fun when you play this game, then you should try…" By more effectively playing with other children, they will develop some improved self-esteem and confidence. Over time, success with other children will make the child less socially awkward and aggressive. Maltreated children are often "a mess" because of their delayed socialization. If the child is teased because of their clothes or grooming, it would be helpful to have "cool" clothes and improved hygiene. Maltreated children have problems with modulating appropriate physical contact. They don't know when to hug, how close to stand, when to establish or break eye contact, what are appropriate contexts to wipe their nose, touch their genitals, or do other grooming behaviours. Ironically, children with attachment problems will often initiate physical contact (hugs, holding hands, crawling into laps) with strangers. Adults misinterpret this as affectionate behaviour. It is not. It is best understood as "supplication" behaviour, and it is socially inappropriate. How adults handle this inappropriate physical contact is very important. We should not refuse to hug the child and lecture them about "appropriate behaviour." We can gently guide the child on how to interact differently with grownups and other children ("Why don't you sit over here?"). It is important to make these lessons clear using as few words as possible. They do not have to be directive — rely on nonverbal cues. It is equally important to explain in a way that does not make the child feel bad or guilty. Listen to and talk with these children. One of the most helpful things to do is just stop, sit, listen, and play with these children. When you are quiet and interactive with them, you will often find that they will begin to show you and tell you about what is really inside them. Yet as simple as this sounds, one of the most difficult things for adults to do is to stop, quit worrying about the time or your next task, and really relax into the moment with a child. Practice this. You will be amazed at the results. These children will sense that you are there just for them, and they will feel how you care for them. It is during these moments that you can best reach and teach these children. This is a great time to begin teaching children about their different "feelings." Regardless of the activity, the following principles are important to include: (1) All feelings are okay to feel — sad, glad, or mad (more emotions for older children); (2) Teach the child healthy ways to act when sad, glad, or mad; (3) Begin to explore how other people may feel and how they show their feelings — "How do you think Bobby feels when you push him?" (4) When you sense that the child is clearly happy, sad, or mad, ask them how they are feeling. Help them begin to put words and labels to these feelings. Have realistic expectations of these children. Abused and neglected
children have so much to overcome. And, for some, they will not
overcome all of their problems. For a Romanian orphan adopted at
age five after spending her early years without any emotional nurturing,
the expectations should be limited. She was robbed of some, but
not all, of her potential. We do not know how to predict potential
in a vacuum, but we do know how to measure the emotional, behavioural,
social, and physical strengths and weaknesses of a child. A comprehensive
evaluation by skilled clinicians can be very helpful in beginning
to define the skill areas of a child, as well as the areas where
progress will be slower. Take care of yourself. For parents and other adults, caring for maltreated children can be exhausting and demoralizing. Adults cannot provide the consistent, predictable, enriching, and nurturing care these children need if they are depleted; it is important to get rest and support. Respite care can be crucial for parents, who should also rely on friends, family, and community resources. Take advantage of other resources. Many communities have support groups for adoptive or foster families; as an education professional, you might help by suggesting some, or asking a school psychologist or other counselor to do so. Professionals with experience in attachment problems or maltreated children can also be very helpful. You too will need help; don't be afraid to ask for it. Remember, the earlier and more aggressive the interventions, the better. Children are most malleable early in life, and as they get older, change is more difficult. Take advantage of this time to make a difference in a child's life. *Adapted in part from: "Maltreated Children: Experience, Brain Development and the Next Generation" (W.W. Norton & Company, New York, in preparation) return to top SIDEBAR I am so Angry! They are aware he was severely abused as a wee child in another life, they are aware he is under the mental health team, they are aware he is being raised by his grandparent. Yet they still ask this question, which I suppose is fair enough, but knowing the circumstances this sort of thing just adds more stress to an already stressful situation. Needless to say the mental health team is going to the school to talk to his teachers, something the Dean should have done in the first place. Joy Hint from Parents Inc: It simply is a talk with you, the parent, in their bedroom, kneeling or lying beside them. Get your child to choose a number between 0 and 20. Whatever number they choose is the age you are going to talk about
when you were young. This is a great way to finish the day, build stronger relationships and remember what it was like to be a child. Grandparents can have fun with this one too! return to top One Day you too will be old But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor." So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making? Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to his work. The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. return to top Tips for the Angry Child Breathing Technique Breathing is faster and more when you are angry. Therefore, make your child take a deep breath while experiencing escalating anger. Such a deep breath cools and calms down anger soon. Counting Technique Continue with the anger defuse tactics by making your child count to ten. This further lowers your child’s anger. Take A Break If you sense heating up of matters and discussions, take a break from your arguments. You can always call a timeout sensing that things are going out of control. Start and analyze your conversation later when tempers of you and your child are at almost normal levels. Letting Out of Anger The most positive way of dealing with anger in your children is to allow a harmless outlet to vent the anger. Provide a punching bag to punch in fists, allow them to scream in the backyard or into their pillow, make them go for a walk or something equally effective in lowering their anger levels by display of anger without harming anybody. Allow your child sufficient time to get over the anger and after having overcome anger, make it a point to bring definite end to the conversation or discussion. This is essential to decide the outcome of the argument or discussion. Left Over Mashed Potatoes:
Food for thought Bone Density: Di
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