Incredible people doing incredible things: greetings and Kia Ora.

Two Milestones for GRG Trust:
Ta-Da……Our membership of families has reached 3000! And our new web site also goes live as of October 1st and it is fantastic. A very big thanks to Liz Douglas from Webtastic Solutions (www.webtastic.co.nz). The site can be accessed at www.grg.org.nz or www.kin.org.nz or www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz - go in and have a look around, we are sure you will be impressed. There will be a settling in period for this depending on your server - you may still find the old site, if so, use either of the new domain addresses and give the old site a few days to transfer over to the new one before going into this address.

Congratulations Zac:
Zac aged 10 grandson of Jean from Milford Auckland has won the President’s cup at the Remuera Lions junior speech competition. Zac has been living with Grandma Jean for seven years now. Well done Zac and proud grandma.

Caring for the Caregiver:
The Grandchildren have been with us for 8 years and over that period of time we had not been apart from them on our own. The opportunity had arrived where we were invited to some old friend’s beach home with them for a week-end. Now normally this just could not happen. We had no-one who would care for the grandchildren and it was in the too hard basket. But this time things fell into place with a little effort on my part. (Actually, huge effort, but I forced myself) The younger Grandchild who has mental health issues is now receiving respite care and this week-end away just happened to fall on the respite care week-end. Sister in law quickly jumped in when she heard and took the older one. Younger one went into huge anxiety as the time came closer, due to her abandonment issues in early childhood, she was convinced we would never come back and many tears fell. We had to steel ourselves for those tears and follow through with our plans after much reassurance to her. So off we set with our old friends and NO children. The first day we all talked non stop to catch up on 10 years of chatter and news. We played cards till late in the night, walked the beaches, watched the Election and had the odd flutter or two on the local pokies. And the most important thing was the laughter, made even better when a local gave us the hugest crayfish I have ever seen. We came back home tired but rested in the soul and very happy. The youngest one was over the moon to see us back and we were able to say that even though Nan & Pop went away we do come back, so in future there is no need to worry. Yes I know it takes energy to arrange this but the benefits are wonderful. And I must say thus far youngest grand-daughter seems to appreciate us more. We in our role must remember that we have a right to respite also - try and make it happen for you. Where did we go? Up to the far North to the bottom of Doubtless Bay…….beautiful.

Those annoying phone calls:
You know the ones where the phone rings right on dinner time and you get asked to donate money to this, that or the other thing. Turn this into a learning lesson for them. Say “no I am sorry; I am supporting Grandparents Raising Grandchildren this year”. You will be amazed at the response: they will either ask about it or say that is a worthwhile cause. This way you are educating them AND getting word of mouth out about us. Come on, give it a go.

Dannevirke GRG’s:
We welcome Dannevirke Family Services who have joined with our Co Denise in Norsewood to run a GRG Support Group. Contacts are Sandra Horton on 06 374 5029 or Denise on 06 374 0424. Thank you, ladies.

Apology:
In our last newsletter we said that Presbyterian Support Services in Christchurch have become affiliated to GRG Trust. This was a misunderstanding on our part and GRG Trust has 41 support groups. We do apologise.

Do you have questions about your grandchild’s health?
Starship Hospital in Auckland has a web site for you. www.kidshealth.org.nz or www.starship.org.nz

How to push grandma’s button:
One of our grandmothers reports that her 7 year old grandson asked for something (which was not important) and she replied, ‘What makes you think I’ll say yes”. His angelic voice, quick as a wink replied, because you are old and wise grandma’. ? ? They sure do learn quickly!

The Grief and the Joy of GRG’s:
? The loss of a retirement.
? The loss of a job.
? The splitting of a family.
? The shame.
? The grief for your grandchildren/kin children.
? The grief for your child.
? The loss of old friends.
? For some the loss of a marriage through stress of this all.
? For others the death of a partner through stress also.
? The loss of retirements funds through lawyer expenses.
? The returning to the work force at an older age to make ends meet.
? The potential for saving for retirement now impossible or much further away.

? The peace of mind that the child is safe.
? The many cuddles and hugs.
? The achievement in school.
? The stability of the child.
? The sounds of children laughing.
? Their first rugby try or passing of a ballet exam.
? Their now near perfect manners.
? Their return to normality.
? Their appreciation of good food.
? Their funny little ways and sayings.
? Best of all ‘I love you Nan or Pop’.

Hawkes Bay Today: Media Article
The Grandparenting trap ... from retired to just plain tired

At a time when they should be enjoying their twilight years, grandparents throughout New Zealand are taking on the fulltime care of their grandchildren. LUCY CRAYMER looks at the challenges they face and what is provided in the community to assist them.

The kids had grown up and left home. Sue* was making the most of Saturday morning sleep-ins, evenings out with friends and the odd game of indoor bowls ... and loving it. But that all changed when 19-year-old daughter Kate* moved back home and announced she was pregnant. First came a baby girl and, only six months later, a second unplanned pregnancy ... this time a baby boy. While being a grandparent should have topped off an otherwise perfect life, for Sue, of Hastings, it was the end of the life she knew. After Kate moved in with an abusive boyfriend with an appetite for hitting young children, the 56-year-old grandmother became mother ... second time around. Sue petitioned for custody and, just before Christmas 2003, was granted interim custody of her two-year-old and nine-month-old grandchildren, exchanging friends and hobbies for dirty nappies, Hi Five and kindergarten car pools.

``Your whole lifestyle changes. You do it out of love, there is no other reason,'' she says, but is quick to add there are no regrets - her grandchildren are beautiful. But that doesn't change the cold, hard facts: The past 20 months have been a battle - physically, emotionally and financially. Nationwide, it is a war more than 4000 grandparents throughout New Zealand fight each day and many turn to support group Grandparents Raising Grandchildren (GRG). The organisation in Hawke's Bay has more than 200 members and branches in Napier and Hastings. Many more use the national service. Nationally, GRG has 41 groups in New Zealand. It aims to bring about changes in structure and Government policy, and educate the public.

Sue was put in touch with the organisation by a Women's Refuge counselor when she first gained custody of the children. ``Going to the meetings means you see other people are facing the same problems that you are dealing with,'' she says. It was a brave decision to seek help but one Sue will never regret. Through it, vital information such as how to get financial assistance from Work and Income and Inland Revenue was made available. Better still, it put her in touch with other grandparents going through the same struggle. GRG Hawke's Bay spokeswoman Marcia Neilson says the organisation tells members everything they need to know but it is also about sharing stories.

``We would love to have more support from the community and the Government at large,'' she says. Like many, Sue was working fulltime when she started taking care of her grandchildren, but was forced to give up her job. She now survives on an invalid's benefit. ``It's a real struggle, you don't just get money like that and you don't get the same benefit rate as people who foster. Everything I spend is on the children.'' It's not helped by the fact that, second time around, children are a lot more expensive. ``My granddaughter is always going on trips with her kindergarten. There is so much more peer pressure on them now. There is lots of `I want this' and the toys are so expensive.'' Marcia says many grandparents are forced into the red because they don't qualify for legal aid when seeking custody. ``We do not expect anything from the community or society that is not already available to others. ``Indeed, there are several agencies within all communities which have been very helpful to GRGs, especially Birthright Hawke's Bay which has accessed funding to send our grandchildren aged five to 12 to holiday camps,'' Marcia says.

While the financial impact is the most obvious on a day-to-day basis, the emotional and physical challenges can be just as damaging. ``Grandparents need respite because they are not of the age where they can take care of their grandchildren 24/7 like they are doing at the moment.'' Sue says having two children around the house takes it out of her. Even though they go to bed early, evenings are still all about dishes, laundry and tidying up toys. It's a long day - sometimes Sue feels the instant her head hits the pillow it's up again, to greet the children who climb into bed for a cuddle about 5am. And while that is undoubtedly hard, for Sue it is the effect that fighting her daughter for custody has had on her relationship with Kate that she finds most devastating. She doubts the damage done can ever be repaired. She also admits to feeling alienated from other caregivers when she picks up the four-year-old from kindergarten. There's not much a woman in her late-50s has in common with a first-time mum in her 20s. The story is a sadly familiar one for Marcia, who says many families are torn apart over custody fights, especially when they have previously been close. Marcia says it is a new environment for many of the children when they moved in. ``Grandparents have set bedtimes and the kids are used to just falling asleep in front of the television.''

Grandchildren often have to adapt from living on a diet of fast food, fizzy drinks and chips to regular meals. For Sue, it is the stability she has provided for her grandchildren - with regular bedtimes, meals and activities - that she thinks has made the biggest difference to their lives.

Since GRG began, more and more grandparents have taken on responsibility for children. A study by Massey University honorary research associate Jill Worrall cites parents on drugs and child neglect as the two main reasons grandparents take on the children. Alcohol, mental illness, domestic violence and child abuse are also cited as major contributing factors. They are stories littered with the debris of human tragedy, but Sue can still see the up-side. Her grandchildren have never known another home and, although the younger one is a ``difficult child'', he does not have serious psychological problems. Others are not so lucky. Worrall's study shows many children suffer from conduct disorder, post-traumatic syndrome and severe aggressive behaviour. Worrall has also written a handbook for grandparents and other kin caregivers with advice about entitlements, problems facing children and how to cope with the role.

Sue continues to battle and will return to court for the seventh time in October. This time she is seeking joint guardianship of the children so if she loses custody of her two grandchildren she will still be able to play a role in their lives. She holds no illusions about retaining custody indefinitely and knows the courts will probably decide to return them to their mother. As she says this, her voice catches in her throat. Tears threaten.
``I would like to have them until they are both five. At five I think they can say what they really want and what they really feel. ``They will say something to somebody if they don't feel safe,'' she says. *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the children involved in the case because Family Court rules require it.

Lucy Craymer (reporter) Phone: (06) 873 0800 Fax: (06) 873 0811 Postal: PO Box 180 Hastings

Sick of boring mashed potatoes?
Try this: Lemons are plentiful at present, after mashing the normal way squeeze in lemon juice to taste…zingy and yum! perfect with fish or chicken. Another alternative is to add crushed garlic and have with meat.

Updated GRG Support Groups Listing:

Regional Support Group Coordinators
Auckland/North Samina Corbett Ph 09 813 1961 email saminac@xtra.co.nz
Wellington/ Marlborough Terry Ututaonga Ph 04 478 9437 email murray.terryu@actrix.co.nz
Southland Lorraine Colvin Ph 03 216 5269 Email lorayne@xtra.co.nz
Taranaki Region Sue Stannard Ph 06 765 5338 email suestannard@xtra.co.nz
Waikato Lynn Falconer Ph 07 855 7280 email lafynn@xtra.co.nz

Local Support Group Co-ordinators
North Shore Bonnie Williams Ph 09 473 9055 email willingclan@actrix.gen.nz
Waitakere Dominique Young Ph 09 817 8762 email dique@xtra.co.nz
South Auckland Virginia Peebles Ph 256 1620
East Auckland Jocelyn Spicer. Ph 09 536 6313 email joke.spicer@xtra.co.nzCentral Auckland Janet Keat Ph 09 630 1625
Christchurch Ngaire Keenan Ph 03 383 8188:
Geraldine Trish Reader. Ph 03 693 9558
Gore Jennifer Miller Ph 03 208 7168
Hamilton Lynn Falconer Ph 07 855 7280 email lafynn@xtra.co.nzHastings Mike & Liz Ph 06 874 7625
Helensville Maree Hemana. Ph 09 420 8218 email mhemana@xtra.co.nz
Hokitika Fran Edwards ph 03 755 8142
Hunterville/Marton Carol Fleet Ph 06 327 8548
Huntly Lodi Liebert Ph 07 828 6123 Email rulo@paradise.net.nz Invercargill Irene McDonald Ph 03 216 5763 Email irenemac@ihug.co.nz orInvercargill Christine Marsh Ph 03 216 9773
Kaitaia Irene Turner-Crombie Ph 09 408 3446
Levin Robin Oxnan. Ph 06 367 0413
Masterton/Wairarapa Erin Bradley Ph 06 304 9981 email erin.bradley@clear.net.nzNapier Kaye Dalamere Ph 06 843 9791
Nelson Paula Eggers Ph 03 544 5714
New Plymouth Contact Sue Stannard in Stratford
Norsewood/Dannevirke Denise Ph 06 374 0424 or Sandra Horton ph 06 374 5029
Palmerston North Marcia Neilson Ph 06 353 8598 email marcia@spinning-planet.com
Rotorua Judy Arthur Ph 07 347 8163 fx 07 347 8166
Stratford Sue Stannard Ph 06 765 5338 email suestannard@xtra.co.nz
Taumarunui Rangimahora Mahu. Ph 07 895 6626
Taupo Jacky Hill or Edna McNeish Ph 07 376 8222 email mcneish-e@xtra.co.nz
Tauranga Colleen Ross Ph 07 578 5341 email ROSSGE39@xtra.co.nz
Te Awamutu Rangitaia Crowley Ph 07 871 3781
Te Kuiti Esmay Astle Ph 07 878 7839
Thames Tricia Barker Ph 07 868 8650 email tricia.barker@xtra.co.nz
Upper/Lower Hutt Barbara Jefferies. Ph 04 526 4318 or Margaret Pearson 04 976 9475
Waiheke Island Pirihira Kaio Ph 09 917 7643 email Pirihira.Kaio001@msd.govt.nz
Wanganui Mary Kauika Ph 06 343 8242 email kauika@xtra.co.nz
Wellington Cecile Thorpe Ph 04 477 0632
Whakatane Shirley Faulkner Ph 07 322 8524 email shirleyfaulkner@quicksilver.net.nz Whangamata Sue McGregor Ph 07 865 6321
Whangarei Janet Puriri Ph 09 435 0044 email jpuriri@ihug.co.nz

A changing outlook for GRG’s in USA.
New York Times - May 21 2005
Eleven years ago, Annie Barnes, 62, found herself raising her two grandchildren after their father was murdered and their mother disappeared. Both children had been born premature and with serious health problems - the younger, a girl, weighed two and a half pounds; the other, a boy, was born with syphilis and addicted to heroin and crack.
But the little boy, Alonzo Poinsett, now 12, and his sister, Shakela, 10, are doing well today, and they will soon join their grandmother in an ambitious new housing experiment - a 51-unit apartment building in the South Bronx that is the first public development in the United States designed and built exclusively for grandparents raising grandchildren.
The six-story project, called the GrandParentFamily Apartments, will open within the next few weeks; it already has a waiting list of more than 100 families. The development, on Prospect Avenue, will have three full-time social workers, support groups, parenting classes and, for the children, tutoring, a full-time youth coordinator and organized activities in the afternoons and evenings.
The generational skip in the population means that the units will have some unusual features: emergency pull cords in the bedrooms and bathrooms, shower thermostats to keep the water from getting too hot, a community center for the older residents and their friends and a youth lounge.
It is an attempt to better serve a growing population that is often thrown together by bad luck and usually lacks a strong support system. The $12.8 million project was financed by Presbyterian Senior Services, the West Side Federation for Senior and Supportive Housing and the city's Housing Authority.
"This is an important group of people that often gets ignored," said David Taylor, executive director of Presbyterian Senior Services, "and what I hope is that this becomes a demonstration project, a place that encourages other places to do the same thing."

Ten Ways to Have More Responsible Children
We'd all like our kids to develop into responsible people. How can we help to ensure that our kids learn the lessons of responsibility? Here are some ideas:

1. Start them with tasks when they're young.
Young kids have a strong desire to help out, even as young as age 2. They can do a lot more than you think if you're patient and creative. This helps build confidence and enthusiasm for later tasks in their life.

2. Don't use rewards with your kids
If you want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, they need to learn the "big picture" value of the things they do. They won't learn that if they're focused on what they're going to "get."

3. Use natural consequences when they make mistakes.
If they keep losing their baseball glove somewhere, let them deal with the consequences. Maybe they have to ask to borrow one for the game. Maybe they have to buy a new one if it's lost. If you rescue them every time they screw up, they'll never learn responsibility.

4. Let them know when you see them being responsible.
Specifically point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen.

5. Talk often about responsibility with your kids.
Make responsibility a family value, let them know it's important.

6. Model responsible behavior for your kids.
This is where they'll learn it from. Take care of your stuff. Try to be on time. They're watching you very closely.

7. Give them an allowance early in their life.
Let them make their own money decisions from an early age. They'll learn their lessons in a hurry. Don't bail them out if they run out of money.

8. Have a strong, unfailing belief that your kids are responsible.
They'll pick up on this belief and they'll tend to rise to the level of expectation. And keep believing this even when they mess up!

9. Train them to be responsible.
Use role play and talk to them about exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them. It's hard for kids to be responsible when they don't know what it looks like.

10. Get some help and support for your parenting.
It's hard to know sometimes whether you're being too controlling or too permissive as a parent. Talk to other parents, read books, join parent support groups, whatever will help you feel like you're not alone.

CYF Caregiver Courses for November 2005: FREE

04 & 05 November Auckland South Non Violence Intervention
03 & 04 November Timaru Family Dynamics
05 & 06 November West Southland Understanding Malt
10 & 11 November Porirua Family Dynamics
10 & 11 November Tauranga Managing Behaviour
15 & 16 November Nelson Caregiver Induction
11 & 12 November Waitakere Family Dynamics
12 & 13 November Whangarei Caregiver Induct
14 & 15 November New Plymouth Caregiver Induct
16 & 17 November New Plymouth Legal Issues
16 & 17 November Invercargill Child Health
17 & 18 November Lower Hutt Older Child
18 & 19 November Auckland South Legal Issues
21 & 22 November Tokoroa Caregiver Induct
24 & 25 November Christchurch Non Violence Intervention
25 & 26 November Westport Managing Behaviour
26 & 27 November Wanganui Child Health
To register: please contact Maxine Carroll on 0800 227 305 or fax (04) 9132168. CYF will reimburse petrol money and child care costs.

Compass Seminars for October:
AUCKLAND
'Becoming Attached' with Wendy Kelly
Assessing & Addressing Child Attachment Concerns 17/10/2005 $159.00
CHRISTCHURCH
Think Good-Feel Good with Sue Cowie
Unraveling Cognitive Behavioural Therapy 19/09/2005 $145.00
Maori Concepts of Wellbeing with Prof Mason Durie
Intervening with Maori Children, Young People and Families 6/04/2006 $175.00
DUNEDIN
"The Power of Play" with Dr Steve Harvey
Dynamic Play Based Assessment and Intervention Approaches 4/11/2005 $150.00
NAPIER
Getting Past @#%$ You with Nigel Latta
Engaging & Connecting with Difficult Children & Young People 13/10/2005 $145.00
NEW PLYMOUTH
Maori Concepts of Wellbeing with Prof Mason Durie
Intervening with Maori Children, Young People and Families 20/10/2006 $165.00
ROTORUA
Getting Past @#%$ You with Nigel Latta
Engaging & Connecting with Difficult Children & Young People 14/10/2005 $145.00
WELLINGTON
'Becoming Attached' with Wendy Kelly
Assessing & Addressing Child Attachment Concerns 12/10/2005 $145.00

Visit: www.compass.ac.nz PO Box 5119 New Plymouth (NZ) Ph: 06 7591647
Mobile: 021 1371990 Fax: 06 7591648 craig@compass.ac.nz

The Moody Teen: (and boy do I have one of those!)
Q. My son is like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he is hugging me goodbye before school. The next minute he is saying hurtful things -- for example, about his dad's forgetfulness or my weight or his sister's singing. When I try to talk to him about it, he always says the same thing. "I was just joking." Is this critical behaviour normal for a 14-year-old? And how should I address the hurtful "joking"?
A. Unfortunately for parents of young teens their behaviour is characteristic of what you describe as the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. As you depict your teen, other parents would do the same. One minute a teen is kind and loving to family members, the next, critical and hurtful. One day controlled and thoughtful, the next ranting and raving because someone drank one of their colas.

They're on an emotional roller coaster, in the morning a teen might be ecstatic and gleeful, after school sad, angry, annoyed or fiercely disappointed for not being included to hang out at the mall on Saturday with a group of friends. Typically, then, they retreat to their bedrooms, turn introspective, analysing themselves and others and this includes parents and siblings.
With respect to your son's inclination to poke fun at you, his father and sister, explain to him once that he might be having fun as he jokes about his Dad's forgetfulness, your weight or his sister's singing, but the three of you are not enjoying his mean-spirited teasing. He needs to hear from you that a joke is only a joke if both people are enjoying it.
You only explain the situation once because he's smart enough to understand what you're saying but his teenage mentality prevents him from voicing understanding, agreeing with you or apologizing. Just explain why he's not funny, that's what he's doing is hurtful and don't bring it up again.
Now that he's heard the truth of the situation from you, realize that it probably won't be enough to change his behavior. You, Dad and Sister need to take one step more. When he starts into a critical joking repartee, his victim needs to say, "That's hurtful. You're not funny. I'm leaving the room," and then do so. The other option is for each of you to completely ignore this hurtful joking. When you ignore him, do so by not looking at him when he starts up, look the other way, keep busy with what you're doing. In time this annoying critical habit it will drop out of sight.
Lastly, understand that teens are typically critical of parents or their caregiver. Teenagers' developmental task is to define who they are separate from their parents. To determine their own uniqueness, they go about analyzing how they differ from you. It's not always fun being the parent of a teen, particularly when it requires being attacked on a personal level. When it gets to be too much, take a few deep breaths and do some loving self-talk, "I'm fine, this difficult period will pass."
Jan Faull, MEd, is a veteran parent educator

When your Child Hits You:
What to Do When Your Child Hits You?
by Anthony Kane, MD

Recently, a number of parents have contacted me about their children's violent behavior. These children, usually 2-6 years old, have started to strike out at anyone who denies them what they wish, including their parents. Most of these parents are concerned that their children are going off in the wrong direction and are in somewhat of a panic about their child's violent acts. This article will discuss what it means when your young child hits you and what you should do about it.

Aggressive Behavior in Young Children
The first thing a parent should realize is that aggressive behavior is both normal and common in young children. Until a child reaches the age of six, he is not developmentally mature enough to curb his impulse to hit, kick, or bite. A child may actually know that hitting is wrong, but a child at this age often can't control himself.

Why a Child Hits
There are several reasons why a small child chooses to hit. I will go through the common ones.

Frustration and Anger
Anger is a major problem with children. Anger is an expression of the child's pain and frustration concerning the lack of control he has over his world.

Something happens that deeply troubles your son. He wants to do something and you stop him. Since your child is young, even though his feelings are very strong, he lacks the tools to express his frustration appropriately. This further frustrates him and he explodes in anger. He may strike at you with the only tools at his disposal, by hitting.

Inability to Communicate
One of the reason the "terrible two's" are terrible is that two year olds have very strong wants and desires, but they lack the skills to communicate them to others. Since they lack the verbal skills they express themselves by other means. They have tantrums and they hit.

Let's take a common example. Your child wants to do something and you stop him. This displeases him greatly.

He really wants to say to you:
"Mummy, dear, I find it confining and inhibiting when you don't let me explore my environment. If you will consult the latest child developmental research you will realize that I have a need to learn about my world and delve into its intricacies. This is how I grow and develop intellectually. Don't you think it is unwise to be an overprotective parent? Surely you don't want to stunt my growth. I plan to be in University in sixteen years. How do you expect me to be prepared for it if you don't let me learn? So please, just back off a little. I want to see what happens when I stick my fork in the electrical outlet."

Most toddlers do not express themselves like this, but if they could this is the type of thing they would say. Instead they express themselves with the tools that they have available which include, crying tantrums, and hitting you.

Times of Stress
Growing up is hard work. Many times children, who face developmental challenges and are under a lot of stress, go through an aggressive phase. This can be because they have less energy for self control or because the stressful event just pushes them over and makes every little inconvenience seem so much bigger. The result is that such a child is more likely to resort to hitting.

Need to Feel Control
We all need to feel like we have control of the world around us and children are no exception. However, your child has very little control over what happens to him. Often hitting is your child's way of trying to control some aspect of his world. It can be his form of self assertion.

Getting Attention
Your child needs your attention. Normally he would prefer to get it in a positive way. However, negative attention is better than nothing. A child who is frequently ignored may quickly discover that he becomes center stage when he fights and hits others.

If you react strongly to your child's hitting you may be fueling a lot of future problems. Reacting strongly to negative behavior encourages the child to continue behaving badly.

Testing Your Rules
This is a less common reason for hitting. Children are constantly testing their limits. A child may hit just to see if he can get away with it.

What to do About Hitting
Redirect
You can get your child to stop hitting by giving him another outlet to express his frustration. You might be able to channel his desire to hit by giving him something appropriate to strike. We have used a punching bag in the past. My wife even drew a picture of each member of the family so the child could pound the particular person that was causing him anger. If you don't like a punching bag you can also use a doll or stuffed animal. One parent chose to teach her child who had a biting problem to bite a doll.

Review the Incident
This works as your child gets older. After the crisis has passed go back over the incident and talk it over with your child when he is calm and rational. Make lists of what might work when he gets angry or when there is something you need to tell him that he won't like. Then, when the next crisis happens, you can refer back to the conversion you had with him:
"You are getting angry again... remember what you and I have decided? You said, and we wrote this down, that when you got angry you would... instead of hitting people."

Teach Communication through Language
It is very healthy for a child to learn to use words to express negative emotions. Teach them to say, "I am really mad right now!" or "I am fuming right now!" Once a child can express his feelings in a more direct and mature way, the hitting will slowly stop.

Acknowledge Your Child's Feelings
Children hit because they can't communicate their feelings. When you acknowledge your child's feelings you eliminate this reason for hitting.

Say things like: "You must be very upset that I won't let you do----" This does not mean you are giving in, but it will remove one of the causes of his anger by showing him you understand his feelings. It is alright for a child to feel angry. It is normal. What you want to teach him is to express anger in ways other than hitting.

Teach that Hitting is Wrong
Even though your child may not be old enough to help himself, it is important that your child know that aggressive behavior is wrong. Children don't know automatically that hitting is wrong. This is something they have to be taught.

When your child tries to hit you, grab his hands firmly, look him in the eyes and say: "You are not allowed to hit Mummy." Children's books that deal with anger are also a great teaching tool for children.

Pay Attention to Triggers
Pay attention to your child's daily cycles. Is there a particular time of day that aggressive behavior increases? If your child loses control before dinner or after school, it may just be a sign that he is hungry. Healthy snacks like nuts, vegetables and fruits may take care of the problem.

Does your child hit when overtired? Then quiet time might be the answer. If you pay attention to what is happening in your child's world, then you may find an easy solution to much of his aggressive behavior.

Be a Good Role Model
I do not want to get into the issue of whether smacking a child is good or bad parenting. However, children are more likely to hit if they see the parents hitting. If you are concerned about aggressive behavior in your child, then your child should not see you use spanking as a form of punishment. That means if you choose to smack another child, you should do it privately and in a way your aggressive child does not see or know about it.

Limit Exposure to Aggression
You should keep your children from seeing aggressive images on television, in movies, and in books. You should also avoid aggressive video games and toys.

For most children, violent behaviour is just a stage. Sooner or later they grow out of it. Your job as a parent is to understand the cause of your child's hitting. Then you can teach your child better ways of expressing himself other than by hitting.

Why? And ?
* If money does not grow on tress, why do banks have branches?
* Why do we press harder on the remote when we know the batteries are flat?
* When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................
So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

School holidays: Are approaching yet again, may you have a happy and safe break and try not to stress.
Di
National Convenor and the team.