FROM: NZ National Office Convenor
SUBJECT: National Office NZ Report February 2009
Carer Data base: 3889
Greetings, Kia Ora koutou katoa hope this finds you all well.
Yay the grandchildren have gone back to school, and not too soon I might say!
Happy Birthday to GRG Trust:
Well folks, who ever would have thought it? We are a BIG 10 years old. Reflecting back, we knew we had a tiger by the tail, that tiger has grown huge. From one person tentively holding up one’s hand, take a look at our carer data base number at top of page. And at times that tiger has thrown us around, slapped us on the ground more than a couple of times, indeed twice I seriously thought of throwing in the towel! But for the odd ‘knocker’ I always thought about the greater number of grandparents in the big picture who needed us and this is what has carried me through. So here we are, 10 years old. We are extremely proud of what we have done and accomplished. We are also very proud of all of you:
Our co-ordinators who voluntarily run support groups or are that friendly voice on the end of the phone for a distressed grandparent.
Each and every one of you, who have stepped in to hold the hand of a traumatised grandchild, walking, trying to hold one’s head up or sometimes being thrust into unsheltered waters, not knowing what to expect. We were there for you all. For the general public, supporters, funders, media and other organisations who have assisted us in so many ways, we give thanks to you all.
I think back to how this all first started, placing an advertisement in our local paper calling for others in the same situation of raising their grandchildren, and the flood gates opened. I would like to acknowledge the following who came along to our very first meeting and who are still involved with the organisation today.
Debbie Gillies (Trustee) Bonnie Williams (Co/member) Birgitt Rehbein (volunteer/ex Board member) Jenny Cutfield (member) Sarah Jones (member) Jill Nerheny (Birkenhead Community Trust Co) Jill is the one who steered us in the right direction in forming the GRG Trust and who has been a constant source of information and support.
Thank you all: for your trust, faith, and friendship over the last ten years. I also acknowledge fellow Board members and all the wonderful people I have met over the past 10 years, you are all, with out a doubt………… AMAZING.
We now have 49 Nation-wide Support groups with another 1 in the pipe-line.
I also wish to thank my family, grandchildren we raise and those we do not. You put up with endless phone calls, me constantly talking about GRG and you share me with so many. God bless you. Diane Vivian
As we are a BIG kid now we are launching into exciting times, not only with the release of our second lot of research done by Jill Worrall (due for publication this year) but also in holding the very first Grandparents/Kin Raising conference at the end of the year. Maori TV Doco “Raising the Moko” and TVNZ “Sunday” due this year.
This says it all: From GRG members. “YOUR VOICES”
The highlight of our year: the best Christmas gift my partner and I got was, full custody (guardianship) of our cherished grandchildren. I think that your newsletters gave us the strength to get thru the tough times, there are so many people out there who are worse off than us, we have been lucky I guess, things didn’t get too bad, our grandchildren are wonderful, we are having a great time teaching our 2 year old to swim and big brother is his idol, our grandchildren are our sunshine, even on a cloudy day.
Thanks for the wonderful information that you send us it makes it a lot easier to lobby the government just to let them know that we are not the only ones.
Your kind concern, assistance and co-operation towards the kids well being is very much appreciated.
I have been very unwell and in hospital and been off work for 3wks Have to have a major operation. I want to thank you for your e-mail and news letters I always look forward to reading the informative material .Thank you
I have a Terminal illness and am "tidying things up".
I have enjoyed your wonderful newsletters and whenever I can, I promote your organisation.
Your Team does a great job, as do all those Grandparents out there who are taking care of their Mokos.
Blessings to you all.
I just love your newsletters! And I read the articles out at our rest home this generates lots of discussion after, life was so different when they were raising their families.
I work as a Diversional Therapist (activities organiser) with lots of multi tasking day by day.
I have been raising my teen grandson for 2yrs now and it has been a amazing challenge, as I thought I was free after raising my own children through all the milestones, teens, cars, boys and trials.
I am glad I have more wisdom now and a lot more skills for coping with this new generation, who have a lot more
outside influence to contend with.
I am very blessed as my ex husband, his grand father, is a great support by having him stay with him on weekends to have some guy time with him, and my new hubby gets on well with him, he has 2 good male role models in his life , as he didn't grow up with a dad
I believe is so important to the boys. Especially when they reach their teens., to have good male role models.
Thank you for your wonderful work you all do at GRG it is well appreciated, knowledge is power!
We are rurally isolated and I can not get to any meetings, but I really look forward to getting my regular newsletters each month. They keep me in touch with what is happening out there! I know I am not alone. Keep up your super work, where would we be without you?
Conference Theme: GRG.
A Grandparent’s love: for our children, for our future
The theme of this unique event is reflective of the incredibly selfless role the grandparents raising their grandchildren as primary caregivers play in their grandchildren’s lives. It is also reflective of their importance in nurturing, guiding and protecting them from harm for their benefit and that of our society today and the generations that follow in future.
Timing and Venue
The conference will be held at the Ellerslie Convention Centre in Auckland on Wednesday 28th and Thursday 29th October 2009. Note this in your diaries now. We will update you further on this as things get firmed up.
The timing of this event is during national Grandparents Week and is as an opportunity to gain targeted publicity in a variety of national media, leveraging Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ, its success stories and key messages.
Vision and Objectives for the Conference
The inaugural Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust National Conference’s main purpose will be to create a forum held during Grandparents Week 2009 that not only honours the grandparents but provides:
1. A forum for our grandparents and key professionals working at the frontline of child welfare and abuse prevention, community organisations and government agencies to better inform and educate all involved on how to work more effectively together in their respective roles; and for
2. The promotion of empathy amongst professionals, service providers and the Government of the grandparents’ plight so as to constructively influence them in a manner that will ultimately translate into better service, legislation and policy outcomes for grandparents.
Format and Audience
Over the two conference days, informative and interactive presentations from leading researchers, professionals and grandparents will be held covering a diverse range of issues including the law relating to the care of children, mental and physical health and welfare issues, effective parenting and educational strategies relevant to the raising of wholesome individuals from birth to adulthood in today’s society.
While the conference programme is currently in its developmental stage with speakers yet to be confirmed, Diane Levy, a leading parent educator and author has committed to being a key presenter at the conference and at the gala dinner, to be held at the conclusion of the first day of the conference.
An important part of the conference programme will also be the formal presentation and discussion of the findings of the 2008 survey of New Zealand grandparent and kin carers conducted for the Trust by Jill Worrall, Honorary Research Associate of the School of Social and Cultural Studies at Massey University in Auckland
The proposed format also includes a keynote opening address featuring the Minister of Social Development as the keynote speaker.
Display booths and networking opportunities during the pre-dinner reception, gala dinner, registration, refreshment breaks, lunch, and cocktail function will enable sponsors to actively interact with delegates.
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New Towels:
Don’t you just hate it when purchasing new towels, flannels and hand towels after first wash they do not absorb and those bands shrink? Try soaking them in cold water over night when first bought, and then wash the normal way, it fixed the problem for me, give it a try.
TVNZ
SUNDAY is the flagship current affairs programme of Television New Zealand, fronted by our most senior correspondents. We produce in-depth documentary style stories within an hour long programme that airs primetime on Sunday nights at 7.30pm.
We are looking for three families who are headed by grandparents bringing up their grandchildren, each family finding themselves in this situation for a different reason. The families need to be happy to talk openly and freely to us about the reasons why this has happened, how they feel about it, and the challenges they face. We would also need to spend some time with each family – filming them at home, interacting in several situations. We want the story to be immediately engaging for viewers so we would need to explore both the highs and lows experienced by these families.
We would not be able to use any family who have any involvement with CYFS or involved in the Family Court at the time of filming. The media is governed by strict guidelines when it comes to filming children so you can ensure that our story will be in the best interest of the children involved.
Any families interested in taking part can contact me on my email: joanne.mitchell@tvnz.co.nz or phone: 09 916 7227 or 0272828664. Our researcher Chris Cooke can also be contacted on free phone 0800 334818.
Thank you for your help.
Kind regards
Joanne Mitchell
Superannuation:
Have you noticed that your super is lower than your friends?
This may be because you are on the wrong tax code – please ring 0800 552 002 to have your tax code changed.
Mortgage Problems:
A number of members have made contact lately struggling to pay their mortgages. Please, if you find yourself in this position do something about it sooner rather than later. Talk to your bank managers to find a solution. Perhaps a mortgage holiday or go on to an ‘interest only payment’ to get you through.
Too True:
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our
family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer'
From the UK: Another Too True.
Only grandparents have that insight and special relationship with families for early detection of child abuse that can save a child a lot of pain or serious injury or worse. Their protection cannot be equalled and they can spot child abuse a mile away putting them, in a position to put a STOP to it.
Grandparent’s protect their grandchildren for love, not money. Jimmy Deuchars Grandparents Apart UK
Drive Safe with Age: Free refresher course.
Free phone on 0800 822 422 to register and get details.
Toddlers Bedtime Problems:
My toddler fights going to bed each night. This has become exhausting for both me and my husband. (We drop into bed ourselves after she finally gets to sleep.) Friends have recommended that we establish consistent bedtime rituals. Will this really help?
A; Toddlers are busy learning about their bodies: how they work, what they can do and whether or not they really need to sleep. They may also be starting to realize that things go on while they are asleep. When they were younger, they didn’t have any concept that the world continued on while they were asleep, but now they wonder if they are missing out on interesting activities. Three year olds may also be experiencing feelings of separation anxiety around bedtime since they are just figuring out that when they are asleep, they are not "with you."
Your little one may also be exploring power and control. "When Daddy says, ‘It’s time for bed,’ do I really have to go or is it negotiable?" They may begin to test things they never tested before. Another possible factor is that some children have a harder time settling down to sleep than others do and at three, their world is more busy and interesting than ever. It can be hard to let it go to fall asleep.
For parents, several issues can come up around bedtime. If you feel you haven’t spent enough time with your child, you may feel ambivalent yourself about the final good-bye in the evening. You may also be tired yourself, less resourceful and resilient. You may also feel torn because of all the other things you have to do, making it hard to really focus on your child.
8 Ways to Put an End to Bedtime Battles
1. Observe your child to learn when she is really tired. It is important that you help your child get to bed when she is tired, rather than too early or too late.
2. Make a plan. Talk through the bedtime routine before you are in the middle of it. Since everyone is tired by the time bedtime rolls around, it is easier to decide on a plan earlier in the day. Talk together with your spouse to come up with a time, a routine and a way to set limits, if necessary.
3. Create a routine which fits everyone's needs. Bedtime routines can include: bathing, teeth brushing, stories (books and story-telling), songs, cuddling, massage, listening to music, recalling events from the day, talking about feelings, laying down together until the child falls asleep, saying prayers, saying "good-nights" to people present and not present, talking about the next day, meditating, visualization or thinking about up-coming dreams.
Ideally, these activities should be enjoyable for both parents and children. For many children, having a predictable, consistent routine helps them by giving them a familiar sequence they can begin to relax too. Once you have decided on your routine, you can tell your daughter what will be happening: "Tonight at bedtime, after you brush your teeth, you can choose a story to read and then I will rub your feet while I sing you a song. After that, it will be time for you to rest. Mommy and I will kiss you good-night and leave so you can go to sleep. Do you want your door open or closed?"
4. Help your daughter make a plan for what she can do. You can talk to your daughter ahead of time about how she can help herself fall asleep. "If you are still awake after we leave the room, you could help yourself go to sleep by thinking of your favorite friend, or by holding your bear, or by singing yourself a song." If you think your daughter is experiencing separation anxiety, you can offer to put pictures of you around her bed or let her listen to a tape of you singing or telling her stories.
5. Decide on a plan for follow-through or limit-setting if necessary. Once you have completed your sweet little routine, you daughter will, no doubt, call for you, cry or get up out of bed. At that point, you need to be clear about how you are going to respond. If you really want your daughter to go to sleep by herself, your actions need to convey this to her. When she calls you or cries, you can peek your head in once and remind her that it is bedtime and that she can help herself go to sleep.
You can tell her that if she needs to keep calling or crying, she can, but you won’t be coming in any more. If she gets out of bed, you can gently, firmly and without anger, talking or fanfare, put her back in bed. You may need to do this many times before she gets the message that you are clear that she needs to stay in bed.
If you understand that she needs to test you many times in order to learn you are serious, it may prevent you from feeling angry. It is more effective if you stay calm, clear, gentle and quiet. If you keep talking to her, lecturing her, bribing her or getting angry, she may feel compelled to continue the interaction longer.
6. Tell your daughter the plan. "Once we leave the room, it will be your job to stay in bed and help yourself fall asleep. You can cry or call if you need to. If you get out of bed, we will put you back in bed, because it is your bedtime."
7. Give your daughter information about the importance of sleep. "Your body needs sleep so you can have energy to play tomorrow. Sleep helps you feel better, grow and be strong."
8. Make time to connect with your daughter during the day and/or early evening hours. If you feel like you have had enough time with your daughter, it will be easier to be clear about her bedtime and to give her consistent messages that it is time for her to rest.
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How Do I Get My Child to Cooperate?
By Elizabeth Pantley
QUESTION:
How can I get my kids to cooperate with me? I'm constantly nagging and complaining, not that it does any good! It seems like it starts in the morning and doesn't end until they are all asleep. I get so frustrated, I really don't know what to do. Help!
ANSWER:
Think about it:
This is the number one-complaint of parents around the globe. It's a biggie — purely because there are so many things we must get our kids to do (or not do!). If you're waiting for your child to start cooperating of his own free will — you might want to pack a lunch. Things won't change on their own. It takes consistent, effective parenting skills to change your children's behaviour and to encourage your children to cooperate, willingly, on a regular basis. It will take practice, patience and persistence on your part. Once you've made a few changes in your approach, you'll find that you're no longer praying for bedtime, but actually enjoying your children.
Be specific:
Don't make general comments that hint at what you would like done, such as, "It would be nice if somebody helped me clean up." Don't make it sound as if compliance is optional by starting your sentence with "Will you? Could you? Would you?" or ending your sentence with, "Okay?" Make your request clear, short and specific, "Please put your dishes in the sink and wash the table." or "It's six o'clock. Gather your homework and come to the table." Practice making clear statements that clearly identify what you need or that describe the problem without elaboration and lecturing.
Set Priorities:
Use the "When/Then" technique, also known as Grandma's Rule. This method simply lets your child know the sequence of his priorities. Work first/Play second. "When you have finished your homework, then you may play your new computer game." "As soon as your pyjamas are on, we'll read a book." "The minute the dishes are washed, you can go out and ride your bike."
Give more choices:
Offer your child a choice, "Would you like to sweep the floor or dry the dishes?" You can also use a sequence choice, such as, "What would you like to do first, put on your pyjamas or brush your teeth?" Another way to use choice is the time-focused choice, "Would you like to start at 8:00 or 8:15?" If a child creates a third option, simply say, "That wasn't one of the choices" and re-state your original statement. If a child refuses to choose, you choose for him. It's important that when you give your child a choice that he learn to live with the consequences of his decision.
So if your little one is running amok in the grocery store, you can say, "You have a choice. You can walk beside me or ride in the cart." The minute he takes off, you can pick him up, put him in the cart and say, "I see you've decided to ride in the cart."
Lighten up:
Use humour to gain cooperation. A bit of silliness can often diffuse the tension and get your child to cooperate willingly. It also can help you feel better about your day.
Stay calm:
Avoid letting your emotions take control. Don't yell, threaten, criticize or belittle. Instead, ask yourself a question, "What is the problem?" Then, make a statement of fact, such as, "There are dirty dishes and snack wrappers in the TV room." Pause. Be silent. And stare at your children. It's amazing that kids will know exactly what you're thinking. Most often, they'll respond by cleaning up. If not, back up your approach with one of the other solutions.
Use knowledge and skills:
Read parenting books and learn new skills. Raising children is a complicated job. There are times when every parent and caregiver can use some help. There are many books available to parents to help get through the day-to-day issues you face with your children. In the vast assortment of books and articles about parenting, you should be able to find ideas for just about any problem or issue you are currently dealing with.
Every child is different, and every parent is different.
Because of this, there are no cookie-cutter solutions that will work for everyone. I suggest that you review all the solutions you discover and take a few quiet minutes to think about them. Modify the suggestions to best suit your family, and don't be afraid to try out more than one until you discover your best answer. For example, my book, Kid Cooperation (How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate), has lots more suggestions and practical ideas.
by Elizabeth Pantley from Kid Cooperation (New Harbinger, 1996). Visit Elizabeths website at http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/
Legal Reference Manual
A practical guide to New Zealand law as it applies in everyday situations
The Legal Reference Manual is a comprehensive A4 loose leaf binder that sets out legal information in a form that is easily accessed and understood by the everyday user. The Legal Reference Manual deals with various aspects of
community and personal life and tries to provide answers to common legal questions.
The Legal Reference Manual contains information on a wide range of legal subjects. Topics include the New
Zealand legal system, legal aid, criminal proceedings, police powers, court fines, domestic violence, harassment, consumer, tenancy, neighbour disputes, accident compensation, privacy and wills. This extensively updated and revised 4th edition also features new sections on civil and human rights, and health and disability law, along with expanded sections on family law, employment law and the legal issues impacting on young people.
The Legal Reference Manual is an essential resource for anyone involved in the delivery of legal information. The Manual has been written for use by lawyers, community workers and advocates in helping people to access and
understand the law as it applies to a range of everyday situations. It is also a valuable guide for community groups and individuals wishing to learn about their legal rights and options.
The Legal Reference Manual aims to make the law more accessible and to equip people with the knowledge to address some of their own legal problems.
Price for the 2009 edition of the Legal Reference Manual is $65 for individuals and community organisations, $130 for other agencies; plus freight $15. This price includes updates (and postage) every six months until
the end of 2010.
Orders to: Wellington Community Law Centre, PO Box 24005, Wellington 6142
Tel (04) 499-2928 Fax (04) 472-2320 email info@wclc.org.nz
This Newsletter:
This newsletter is for you and hopefully it informs you, entertains you, and tells it like it is.
It is also “your voice” we welcome news from you, the funny, the sad, the inspirational and the pain. Write or email us! Do not use any names please or change them if you need to. We love hearing from you!
Di
National Convenor and the team.
heoi ano, na
E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love
