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June 2009Carer Data base: 3988 Greetings, Kia Ora koutou katoa hope this finds you all well. Congratulations to our Board member Jill Worrall: MNZM Jill was recently announced as a New Zealand Order of Merit recipient in the Queen’s Birthday Honours list! Well deserved Jill! Jill as you are probably aware, wrote our handbook and did the research for us in 2005 and has just finished the 2009 research. We are very lucky to have her with us. Stats: Where most of our members reside: 1st Auckland (by a long way) then Christchurch, Wellington, Nelson and Hamilton. New GRG Support group starting: Kaiwaka. We welcome Sarah Rogers as the new Co-ordinator for this group. Sarah can be contacted on 09 4312194 or 027 750 1096 email, sarah_jane@clear.net.nz Your Voices: Thinking I have been giving some thought to our position in the role of raising grandchildren. A lot of us have been flung into this role with no expectations of ever having to do this. We have experienced, heard and seen things that we should not have seen, experienced nor heard. We have had to deal with Social Workers (who for some unknown reason) have in some cases turned the blame of this situation on to us. We also have had to employ expensive Family Court lawyers to keep the children safe, where the parents of the child/ren can access Legal Aid and have taken us back to court time and time again. We have had to present in Court and be cross examined by the parent’s lawyer, and for someone who has never been in a Court room this can be daunting. We may have endured being watched and been questioned by a Psychologist and then have a report done on us. We may have suffered abuse from the biological parents, via phone, confrontation, Family Group Conferences, at Access Centres and in some cases at the local shopping centre. In some cases this whole sorry scenario has divided families, not to mention the damage that has been done to the children involved and in some cases severe damage which will take years of counselling to put right, if it ever does. Then there is the worry of legal bills, and how we are going to be able to clothe and feed the children. Yes, these children can end up with a myriad of psychological, emotional and developmental problems. But, what of the caregiver? They also have suffered in all of this too. It is well known that children placed in family situations have a more secure placement, but what about the grandparent or kin carer, who is there to support them? To me it seems we, during all of this, we are put through the wringer, squeezed out and thrown away, left to raise these beautiful innocent (often troubled) children, with very little help. We fight to keep them safe and then we have to keep fighting for them, for a benefit for them, for psychological help for them, for special needs help and help in schools for their many disorders. Yes, no wonder we are tired, but we do this for our grandchildren/kin children because we are family and we love them. Diane Vivian Jealousy Rears its Head Do you as grandparents have to deal with jealousy (envy) from the children you raise and those you do not? I have noticed these swing both ways. Raising 2 and having another 5 who do not live with us is both a joy and tribulation. Over the holidays (April) we had two 6 year olds to stay. The teenager we raise reverted down to their level so in fact we had 3x 6 year olds. She became extremely jealous if I spent any time with the two young ones. Even something as simple as reading them a story brought about temper tantrums. Asking her to do this did not work, nor did including her. At times she was downright mean to them. Then at other times if we say bought a bike for the ones we raise, questions are asked why did we not buy bikes for all of them. Sometimes one can not win... Sighing Grandmother She has reached independence Nanny & Poppy H write: 18 years ago we were delivered a 3 month baby and now she is trying her wings. We have been truly blessed to have had this now beautiful young woman in our lives and not once has she caused any bother. We have been the lucky ones. At five years old she had experienced the most horrendous abuse imaginable. Today she is a Top Achiever and was picked as one of the Top National Achievers J Proud Nan C Talking about Cheese The grandchildren and us were talking about the hierarchy in families and that the parents were the ‘big cheeses’ and the children were the little cheeses. Quick as a wink Miss 16 said, ‘well you are the vintage cheese in our family” OK we will take that! Children Coughing To stop night time coughing in a child (or adult as we found out personally), put Vicks Vapor rub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief. Works 100% of the time and is more effective in children than even very strong prescription cough medicines. In addition it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly. Gran S Modernizing Gran Article: May newsletter. I had to read this 4 times as I had tears of laughter falling down my cheeks and blurring my vision. I could just picture the trip to the mall and the shopping!. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. We say farewell: PLINFO: Parents Legal Information Line The Parents Legal Information Line (PLINFO) was established in 1999 as a nationwide freephone helpline for parents, caregivers and guardians seeking information and assistance on issues about children and young people at school. PLINFO receives an average of 550 enquiries each year, covering a range of issues relating to primary and secondary school education. These include: Suspensions / stand downs School rules / discipline Privacy Enrolments / zoning Uniforms Truancy Fees Right to education Bullying Making a complaint This service, funded by the Office of the Children’s Commissioner, is run by the Wellington Community Law Centre. Legally trained volunteers are available by phone to discuss problems at school and provide the following: · Legal information about your rights and obligations, and your child’s rights. · Explore ways of resolving disputes. · Assist by contacting the school on your behalf. · Connect you with local advocacy services. · Send you a copy of “Schools and the Right to Discipline - a comprehensive guide for parents”. For more information please phone PLINFO: 0800 499 488 or download a copy of the chapters from the “Schools and the Right to Discipline” booklet online at www.communitylaw.org.nz/plinfo By Diane Vivian.
As we age we cast off the care and responsibilities of raising our children, they move on with their lives, so do we. Freedom comes, to do as we please, to stay in our pyjamas all day, should we desire. To travel, garden, join clubs and lead a carefree life, but something happens in the form of a beautiful baby who has the ability to twist us around its tiny finger. Yes “I am a grandparent”. The joy of this tiny babe for one to fuss over, adore, and spoil with no responsibility and to be able to hand back to the parents, adds a new dimension to our lives. The first smile, the first tooth and first word not only swells the heart of the parent but also the hearts of the grandparents. We as grandparents, being older have something so special we can add to the richness of this child’s life; ‘time’ something busy parents rarely can afford. Somehow small children and an older person were designed to be together, small children take tiny steps and notice things a busy parent may not, and older people are often slower, and have the time, to study a caterpillar, an interesting bug with a young one at our side. A bond grows between the small child and the grandparents; we can tell them what their parent was like as a child, tell them the family history. We do not mind reading the same story over and over again and the joy on their (and our) faces when we see them fills ones heart with pure love. This relationship also gives us a chance to find the child in ourselves once again. To sing silly songs, tell silly jokes, to laugh and colour in once again. We can impart so much knowledge; they, whilst young are like little sponges and soak information up. A visit to my grandmother when I was a small child meant sitting on the couch not talking, in my Sunday best, my how things have changed. In today’s schools they even have ‘Grandparents day’ something unheard of in our day. All too quickly they grow and become teenagers, with teenage problems. This is where grandparents really can help. If a bond is strong with a grandchild and things get tough with parents, as they often do, grandparents can be that stop gap, the voice of reason, a safe haven until things settle. One of our teenage grandsons is known to bike to our home when things get tough at home, his mother phones and tells us ‘you have incoming’. A hug, hot meal and a warm bed for the night usually sees him back home the next day, and you know what, we would not have it any other way. Sadly sometimes parents separate and this throws our grandchildren into uncertainty. Too often we hear of grandparents who are deprived of their grandchildren, the pain of this is unbearable. To have been involved in your grandchildren lives and suddenly not be able to see them is soul destroying for grandparents not to mention the grandchildren concerned. This is a time when grandparents need to be involved in the grandchildren’s lives; they may be the only constant in a life that seems to be turning upside down. It is really important to be impartial in this situation, as hard as that may be. No put-downs about either parent, your grandchildren need to have something that is normal in this unsettling time. They need to know that their whole world has not collapsed. We being older live in very different times to when we were young; drug problems can sometimes grip our children, violence seems to be everywhere and when it enters our lives we have to dig deep, really deep. Today many grandparents have to step in for safety reasons and take on the role of actually raising their grandchildren. This is not just a NZ problem, it is world wide. This happens for a variety of reasons. Violence and neglect, mental illness, imprisonment, substance abuse, abandonment, death and terminal illness are some of the reasons the grandparents step up to the plate. Research undertaken for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ by Jill Worrall in 2005 tells us the main reasons that grandparents take on this role are substance abuse, violence and neglect and mental illness. This is one of the hardest things a grandparent undertakes, to go into a Family Court against your own child to keep at risk grandchildren safe, but do it, they do, by the thousands. In doing this we are entering unsheltered waters, this divides families, places pressure upon one’s finances and indeed one’s health, but the grandchildren need us. Grandparents find themselves thrust into Family Courts, dealing with lawyers, psychologists, lawyer for child, often Child Youth and Family and angry parents. The grandchildren may have experienced things that no child should experience; they may be behind scholastically, emotionally and may suffer psychological problems. Some revert back to bet wetting and soiling, anger rages and many have special needs. This means very hard caregiving for the grandparents, with little recognition. For a grandparent under these circumstances the rewards are ten fold, to see a sad child now flourishing, safe and happy, having routine in their life and achieving are just a few of the benefits. For a 6 year old child who could not form a letter, nor knew a nursery rhyme to become top of their class in spelling and maths, says it all. Some grandparents are raising severely disabled grandchildren, and many have Autistic children, globally delayed children, the love for their grandchildren knows no boundaries, and has no conditions. As a grandparent in this position, you have to put your life on hold, revert back to school pedestrian duties, lunchroom duties and school trips. And some words of advice, for school trips, don’t volunteer to climb the local mountain, know your limits! After 12 years of raising grandchildren our teenagers do not go to bed or leave the home without an exchange of “love you” Does this makes it all worthwhile, you bet it does. I now understand why grandparents are called just that, they all are so very, very GRAND. Parents Inc Hot tip: Taking the Heat out of Sibling Squabbles We can assume that brothers and sisters won’t always get along – however there are things you can do to prevent an atmosphere of constant tension between siblings in your house. Instead of focusing on comparisons - like when a child complains “She has more than me!”- encourage the child to think about what he himself needs and to respectfully negotiate with you if he would like more. This will teach him a vital life skill – how to state what he wants and be assertive. Reassure him that you are more concerned with his individual needs than making sure all hand-outs are equal. The time to start talking to your teen about teen drinking is now. Follow these tips to help prevent underage alcohol use. By Mayo Clinic staff Parents often underestimate how early teen drinking starts, the amount of alcohol teens drink and the risks involved. But teen drinking isn't inevitable. You can encourage your teen to avoid alcohol by talking to him or her about the risks of teen drinking and the importance of making good decisions. Why teens drink Teens are particularly vulnerable to alcohol use. The physical changes of puberty may make your teen feel self-conscious and more likely to take risks to fit in or please others — such as experiment with alcohol. Also, your teen may have trouble understanding that his or her actions have consequences. Common risk factors for teen drinking include: Transitions, such as the move from middle school to high school or getting a driver's license Increased stress at home or school Family problems, such as conflict or parental alcohol abuse A history of behavior problems Consequences of teen drinking Whatever causes a teen to drink, the consequences may be the same. For example, teen drinking can lead to: Alcohol-related traffic accidents. Alcohol-related accidents are a leading cause of teen deaths. Teen drowning, suicides and murders also have been linked with alcohol use. Sexual activity. Teens who drink tend to become sexually active earlier and have sex more often than do teens who don't drink. Teens who drink are also more likely to have unprotected sex than are teens who don't drink. School problems. Teens who drink tend to have more academic and conduct problems than do teens who don't drink. Also, drinking can lead to temporary or permanent suspension from sports and other extracurricular activities. Alcohol dependence. People who begin drinking as young teens are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than are people who wait until they're adults to drink, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Being a victim of violent crime. Alcohol-related crimes may include rape, assault and robbery. Research also shows that teen drinking may harm brain development. Talking about teen drinking It can be tough to talk about teen drinking. You may be unsure of what to say, and your teen may try to dodge the conversation. To increase your odds of having a meaningful discussion, choose a time when you and your teen are relaxed. Don't worry about covering everything at once. If you talk often, you may have a greater impact on your teen than if you have only a single discussion. When you talk about teen drinking, you might: Ask your teen's views. Find out what your teen knows and thinks about alcohol. Share facts. Explain that alcohol is a powerful drug that slows the body and mind, and that anyone can develop an alcohol problem — even a teen. Debunk myths. Teens often think that drinking makes them popular or happy. Explain that alcohol is a depressant that also may cause sadness and anger. Discuss reasons not to drink. Avoid scare tactics. Instead, explain the risks and appeal to your teen's self respect. Plan ways to handle peer pressure. Brainstorm with your teen about how to respond to offers of alcohol. It might be as simple as saying, "No thanks," or "Do you have any soda?" Be prepared to discuss your own drinking. Your teen may ask if you drank alcohol when you were a teen. If you chose not to drink, explain why. If you chose to drink, you might share an example of a negative consequence of your drinking. The best way to encourage your teen to avoid drinking is to develop a strong relationship with him or her. Your support will help your teen build the self-esteem he or she needs to stand up to peer pressure — and be an incentive to live up to your expectations. Other preventive strategies In addition to talking to your teen, consider other strategies to prevent teen drinking: Know your teen's activities. Pay attention to your teen's plans and whereabouts. Encourage participation in supervised after-school and weekend activities. Establish rules and consequences. Rules might include no underage drinking, leaving parties where alcohol is served and not riding in a car with a driver who has been drinking. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time — and enforce them consistently. Set an example. If you drink, do so in moderation and explain to your teen why it's OK for adults to drink sometimes. Explain some of the rules you follow, such as not drinking and driving. Don't serve alcohol to anyone who's underage. Encourage healthy friendships. If your teen's friends drink, your teen is more likely to drink, too. Get to know your teen's friends and their parents. Seeking help for teen drinking If you suspect that your teen has been drinking, talk to him or her. Enforce the consequences you've established so that your teen understands that using alcohol will always result in a loss of privileges. Accepting moderate use of alcohol may send the message that teen drinking isn't dangerous. If you think your teen may have a drinking problem, consider contacting a health care professional who specializes in alcohol problems. Remember, it's never too soon to start talking to your teen about alcohol use. By broaching the topic, you'll help give your teen the guidance and support necessary to make good choices. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. Children’s Participation Increased by Changes to Family Courts Counselling and Mediation Children now have the opportunity to participate in counselling when decisions are being made about parenting matters, due to the passing of the Family Matters Bill on 2 September 2008. Provided the parents agree, children will be able to attend part of the counselling, or speak with the counselor directly. Up until now, children’s involvement in counselling was not specifically provided for by legislation. In many cases, the benefits to both the children involved and their parents will be significant, as from an early stage in the process the child’s view on what is important can be expressed and considered. As well as counselling, parties involved in parenting matters (and other matters such as relationship issues) will be able to request family mediation to help them identify issues and to resolve matters by agreement. The mediation will not be overseen by a Family Court Judge but by a specialist mediator. The purpose of the mediation is to divert less complex family disputes away from formal court proceedings and to resolve them quickly and inexpensively. Children can also be involved in the mediation and will be able to attend the counselling, as mentioned above, to help them formulate their views. Following the mediation, the mediator will be required to provide a report to the Court detailing the resolution reached between the parties, the issues still to be resolved and non-binding recommendations as to the next steps to be taken by the parties. If parties (now including grandparents and other family members) are considering entering into a parenting agreement, they can request mediation or counselling. These can also both be accessed to help resolve a dispute arising from an existing agreement. Other changes resulting from the passing of the Family Matters Bill include: · Extending the duties of the Family Court Registrars. · New positions of Senior Family Court Registrars, with the intention that they will be able to relieve the pressure on Judges and reduce delays by dealing with, for example, routine procedural matters. · New provisions for openness in Family Court proceedings have also been included with support persons and accredited media allowed to attend proceedings. Reports on the proceedings can be published by the media, but it is an offence to publish a report without leave of the Court where the report includes identifying information and a child or vulnerable person is involved. Support people will also be able to attend proceedings provided the judge agrees, and · The restriction preventing Family Court Judges wearing gowns in court has been removed. Implementation The above changes are intended to increase the openness of Family Court proceedings and to improve the efficiency and effectiveness of the Family Court. The Bill was divided into 12 amendment Acts and will be implemented in stages. It is intended that most provisions will be in place by early 2009, although new services like the counselling for children, and family mediation, will take longer and the exact commencement dates are yet to be announced. For more information, contact Glaister Ennor - Barristers, Solicitors and Notary Public It has always been tough raising pre-teens and teenagers. I have found quotes dating back to 600 BC talking complaining about the “moral decline of today’s youth” and worries of “how much worse can it possibly get?” Well, it seems it can get a lot worse. One of the latest fads of modern culture is instant text messaging- the Twitter phenomenon. A lot of people do it. A lot of people don’t get it. I am in the “don’t get it” crowd, but I can understand that for teens, for whom friends and social contacts are everything, Twittering (or Tweeting?) can become a real passion. So maybe it is a big waste of time, but more than that it sounds pretty harmless, right? Well, guess again. Through the miracle of modern technology, not only can you send text messages, you now can instantly send photos. And our children are doing just that. They are sending pictures or videos to their friends, of themselves....Nude. A recent survey shows that 20% of teens have posted semi nude or nude pictures or videos of themselves and sent them to friends. Twice that number send sexually laden messages to each other. This new trend called ‘Sexting’ seems to be taking off, particularly with teens, and both boys and girls are doing it. The usual scenario is that a boyfriend or girlfriend wants to give their partner a “present” and this is the form it takes. Sort of like love letters in the Victorian era, but a bit more graphic. The problem is that love letters get thrown away when the relationship is over. Any picture or message floating around in cyberspace is there forever. But a lot of times it doesn’t just float around. What very often happens is that these private ‘messages’ get passed around- a lot- particularly among guys. What also happens is that when the relationship goes south, as most teen romances do, these pictures and videos get posted publicly for revenge. There are entire websites the teens put up whose sole purpose it to trash their ex. No one can predict what role Sexting is going to play in the future. It won’t be long before these kids grow up look for jobs and raise families. What are they going to do when their co-workers find these pictures and start passing them around? How are they going to explain it to their eight year old boy when he finds a nude videos of Mom online? So here are the questions for you: · If you have a child with a cell phone or an internet connection, he or she is probably texting. · How aware are you of what your child is sending? · Does the possibility your son or daughter, is now or will be in the near future sending and receiving naked pictures and videos of his or her friends bother you? · Do parents have a right to know what is in the messages? Warmly, Anthony Kane, MD Two wolves: One is Evil. - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. ' The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?' Di National Convenor and the team. heoi ano, na E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love Ka kite
Posted: Tue 16 Jun 2009 |