July 2009

Have you registered for our Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Conference in October yet?

We have a special low rate cost for our grandparent delegates. If you are a member you can use

this rate. See your brochure in last newsletter mail out or visit www.grg.org.nz and click on

Conference 2009 button on the left hand side.

=================================================

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ – July2009 Report Page 2 of 8

My son, his partner, and his son recently moved to the Gold Coast to live. Before they left my

other grandson that lives with us, noticed me crying one day and asked what I was crying about. I

told him that I was sad his uncle, aunty and cousin were going to live in Australia. He replied:

"But you've still got your best boy to give you hugs and kisses". How lucky we are to have this

little angel with us. Can't imagine life without him! While he struggles with feelings of sadness

over abandonment from his mum, he was still able to offer me comfort - and he's only 5! Priceless!

Gabrielle

What is it with some girls today?

She is nearly 18, has multiple piercings, which I may say she does herself! Her clothes, she cuts so they all have

holes in them, jeans, jerseys you name it whatever she wears end up with holes in them. Her shoes, she paints with

splotches of coloured paint. She looks like she shops from a rag collection bag. We buy new clothes and within 1 day

they in my opinion look like they need to be placed in the said rag bag!

G Gran

Our GRG Co Margaret Pearson from Upper Hutt abseiled down a 10 story building to

promote “seniors can do anything” and GRG. Margaret (61) suffered rope burns to her

hands, but otherwise was fine. What a brave grandma.

Out of the Mouths of Babes:

We are still laughing, days after the event! Our three and a half year old Great

Granddaughter had been surreptitiously eyeing up my black, indelible marker pen which I

keep in the kitchen for labelling freezer bags. One day, whilst doing some baking, she

must have managed to get hold of it and took it into the lounge. Some time later, she came bursting into the

kitchen, COVERED all over in black spots! I took one look and was ready to growl, when she lifted up her skirt

and said, "Look Mum, I've got Coco pops! Gt Gran Wendy

A View from the Other Side:

I am one of those who contribute funding in a very modest way ($100 per month) to the programme. I quite

appreciate the need for maintaining an arms-length relationship between donors and recipients, but I thought some

of you might be interested in why I do it and also to express my admiration for those on the other side of the fence.

I’m no-one special - I have three (more or less!) grown up kids and two wonderful grandkids who don’t live with me.

I earn a good enough salary to provide all we need so I figured I could spare some. I was brought up for some of

my childhood by my grandmother. My grandkids are fine but when I have them overnight on the weekend I get

exhausted and realise just how hard it must be for those who have to do this full time at our stage of life. I’m just so

grateful that you are prepared to step in and take care of those in trouble. Keep up the good work!”

Cheers: Jim Lawless

Yes you are someone very special Jim! And thank you 

If you would like to sponsor a GRG family, then please contact GRG Trust on 09 480 6530 or office@grg.org.nz

Hand Sanitiser:

I love this new product; I have replaced all my liquid soap in bathroom with this. Little children, particularly boys, I

find are loathing of washing their hands, too busy playing. I have found they are more inclined to use this, as it is a

quick squirt, rub hands together and off they go, no need for water or hand towels.

Your Voices is your words and we are happy to hear from you, please email, phone or write with your funny, sad,

inspirational experiences for this newsletter. We love hearing from you.

~000OOO000~

Accidental Death and ACC - Also contact Victim Support on 0800VICTIM = 0800 842

846 Nationwide.

Funeral Grant:

When someone dies as a result of an injury or accident, ACC can help towards the costs of their burial, cremation

and related ceremonies. A funeral grant can be paid for both New Zealanders and overseas visitors to New Zealand.

The funeral does not have to be in New Zealand. This grant can also be used for memorial costs if the body is not

recovered.

How am I eligible?

The estate of someone who has died as a result of an injury is normally eligible for a funeral grant. This grant is

usually paid directly to the executor of the estate, trustee or to the funeral director.

How long might ACC take to determine if I am eligible?

All accidental death claims that have been accepted by ACC are eligible for a funeral grant. If your claim is likely to

be delayed we will contact you to discuss. Note: Please contact us if you have not heard from us within a reasonable

period of time. See Contact ACC Claims for our contact information.

What happens next?

If the funeral costs are to be paid directly to the funeral director then the executor of the estate also needs to send an

ACC136 Funeral grant payment authority to ACC. Please Contact ACC Claims for a copy of this form.

The estate or funeral director needs to send a detailed invoice to ACC showing the costs of the funeral. Once we

have received the invoice for the cost of the funeral we will make payment directly to the executor, trustee or funeral

director. We will then write to the estate to let them know the payment has been made.

Childcare payments following accidental death:

When a parent dies as the result of an injury, ACC can help with the costs of childcare supervision or caring for

children. Childcare payments are made to the caregiver of the children, for up to five years or until the child turns

14. Only children living in New Zealand are eligible for childcare payments. If the child has a disability then we can

reassess the case after five years or when the child turns 14 to determine if payments should continue. All childcare

payments are non-taxable.

What do I need to do to get help?

Our staff are understanding, flexible and will help you to make the claim and collect the information required.

Someone outside the immediate family can make the claim. A friend, member of your extended family and whanau,

the funeral director, or your minister or priest. We have Māori, Pacific and Asian advisors who can provide support

and help. We understand this can be a very difficult time for people, so we do everything we can to make claiming

simple.

1. Before ACC can make any payments we have to confirm the death is covered by ACC. So the first step is to

contact the nearest ACC office and make a claim. For more information about making a claim.

2. You may need to provide ACC with the following information to confirm the children’s relationship with

the deceased:

3. Confirmation is required of who the childcare arranger is. This is normally the surviving parent or the

guardian of the children.

4. The childcare arranger will need to confirm they are responsible for the children and give ACC their bank

account number. We also need to know if Work and Income has been paying childcare contributions as a

result of death in the meantime.

=================================================

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ – July2009 Report Page 3 of 8

(For kincarers who had custody prior to death it is our understanding this childcare payment from ACC is over

and above the UCB)

How does ACC decide if a child is eligible?

After ACC has confirmed that the deceased is covered they will need to confirm the status of each child of the

deceased. Payments for childcare are made to the person who arranges the childcare for the children. This is

normally the surviving spouse or guardian of the children. ACC considers the nature of the relationship of the

deceased with a child to determine if they were a parent. Children need to be under 18 years at the time of death and

either:

 the natural, or biological children of the deceased

 an adopted child of the deceased

 a foster child, stepchild or other child where the deceased acted as their parent

 under 14 years of age to qualify for childcare

Children need to be living in New Zealand. Children who live or move overseas are not eligible for childcare

payments.

Important: The help you will get depends on your individual circumstances. Please contact us to confirm if you are

eligible, or to identify other ways in which we can help.

What happens next?

Once we have confirmed that the children are eligible for childcare payments we will write to the children’s

representative to let them know.

We will begin to make childcare payments by direct credit to the care giver’s bank account. We will date our

payments from the date of death of the deceased. If the child was born after the deceased died, we will make

payments from the date the child was born.

If Work and Income have been making payment for childcare as a result of death ACC will reimburse them

directly.

Ceasing childcare payments

ACC will continue to make childcare payments until the earlier of:

 five years after the date they started

 the child turns 14.

At this point if the child has a mental or physical condition we will review the case. Childcare payments will cease

unless the child needs continued care because of the condition. We will write to the child care arranger and let them

know the date that the payments will finish.

Having the Tough Conversations with Kids By Dr. Laura Markham

Almost from the time our kids can talk, there are tough conversations we need to have with them, from an

impending move ("I'm not going!") to Grandpa's illness to our teens' more serious infractions. If you can control

your emotions and keep the situation safe, your child may be able to stop attacking and start sharing. That’s when

break-throughs happen.

How can you master the art of the tough conversation?

1. Don't take it personally.

Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten year old huffs "Mum, you never understand!" Your four year

old screams "I hate you, Daddy!"

What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

This isn't primarily about you. It's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their

immature ability to understand and express their emotions. When your daughter says "You NEVER understand!" try

to hear that as information about her - at this moment she feels like she's never understood - rather than about you.

Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when we’re hurt: either close off, or lash out,

or both. Which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned.

2. Manage your own feelings and behaviour.

The only one you can control in this situation is yourself. That means you:

 Take a deep breath.

 Let the hurt go.

 Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment.

 Consciously lower your voice.

 Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.

 Notice if your “story” is making you upset (“But she lied to me!”) and if necessary expand the story to

change your emotional response: (“My daughter was so afraid of my reaction that she lied to me. I guess I need to

look at how I respond when she tells me bad news.”)

3. Reconnect with your love and empathy for your child.

You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply grateful,

even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love,

rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait

until you can before you set limits.

4. Always start the conversation by acknowledging your child’s position, as near as you can make it out.

That takes him off the defensive so he can hear you. Let him take off from your comments to correct and elaborate;

reflect his corrections so he knows you recognise his side.

5. Extend respect.

Remember that more than one perspective can be true at once. Assume your child has a reason for her views or

behavior. It may not be what you would consider a good reason, but she has a reason. If you want to understand her,

you’ll need to extend her the basic respect of trying to see things from her point of view. Say whatever you need to

say and then close your mouth and listen.

6. Keep the conversation safe for everyone.

People can’t hear when they’re upset. If they don’t feel safe, they generally withdraw or attack. If you notice your

child getting angry, scared or hurt, back up and reconnect. Remind her – and yourself – how much you love her, and

that you’re committed to finding a solution that works for everyone.

7. Try hard to avoid making your child wrong.

Instead:

 Use “I” statements to describe your feelings (“It scares me when you’re late and don’t call.”)

 Describe the situation. (“This report card is much worse than your previous report cards.”)

 Give information. (“Our neighbour Mrs Weiner says that you were smoking in the back yard.”)

8. Summon your sense of humour.

A light touch almost magically diffuses tension.

9. Remember that expressing anger just makes you more angry.

This is because it reinforces your position that you’re right and the other person is wrong. Instead, notice your anger

and use it as a signal of what needs to change.

For instance, rather than throwing a tantrum because the kids aren’t helping around the house, use your anger as a

motivator to implement a new system of chores - one they help design - that will help prevent the situation in the

future.

© Dr. Laura Markham. Dr. Laura Markham is a mum and a Clinical Psychologist. Her relationship-based

parenting model has helped thousands of families. Dr. Markham sounds two clear themes in her advice to parents.

The first is that when we feel good, we're better parents. Her other theme is that parenting effectively always

depends on our connection to our kids. For more information visit Dr Laura Markham's website:

http://www.yourparentingsolutions.com/

=================================================

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ – July2009 Report Page 5 of 8

National Caregivers training - FREE: GRG’s are welcome!

Region Course Dates & Times

Whangaparoa Caregiver Induction Wed 5,12,19 August (9.30am to 2.30pm)

Napier Legal Issues Wed 5, Thurs 6 August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Hamilton Caregiver Induction Fri 7 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 8

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Manurewa Caregiver Induction Fri 7 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 8

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Gisborne Caregiver Induction Fri 7 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 8

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Invercargill Safe Caring Fri 7 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 8

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

New Plymouth Caregiver Induction Fri 7 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 8

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Christchurch Caregiver Induction Wed 11 August & Thurs 12 August (9.00am

to 4.00pm)

Kaikohe Caregiver Induction Fri 14 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 15

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Glenfield Understanding Maltreatment Fri 14 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 15

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Taumarunui Caregiver Induction Fri 14 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 15

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Tauranga Caregiver Induction Fri 14 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 15

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Timaru Managing Behaviour Fri 14 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 15

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Masterton Caregiver Induction Fri 14 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 15

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Christchurch Managing Behaviour Tues 18 August & Wed 19 August (9.30am

to 2.30pm)

Dunedin Child Health Fri 21 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 22

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Tauranga Safe Caring Fri 21 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 22

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Hamilton NVCI Fri 21 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 22

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Gisborne Managing Behaviour Wed 26 August & Thurs 27 August (9.00am

to 4.00pm)

Manurewa Understanding Maltreatment Fri 28 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 29

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

New Plymouth Safe Caring Fri 28 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 29

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Palmerston North Older Child Fri 28 August (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 29

August (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Dunedin Caregiver Induction Fri 4 September (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 5

September (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Porirua Older Child Fri 4 September (5.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat 5

September (9.00am to 4.00pm)

Greymouth Caregiver Induction Fri 11 September (6.00pm to 9.00pm) & Sat