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August 2009Greetings, Kia Ora koutou katoa we hope this finds you all well. We can and do make a difference in a child’s life. We ALL walk this path and share this journey together. Your Voices: Wrinkles: Having recently been overseas I came across a product called Tri-Aktiline (Instant Deep Wrinkle Filler). I commented to my husband, ‘what a great idea’. He replied, “Don’t buy that I have Polly Filler and a trowel at home you could use.” Well indeed! Then to top it off young 4 year old grandson said. “Nana you are old because you have cracks in your face!” Yep and I have EARNED every one of them, but maybe I will be sneaking into the garage to look for that Poly-filler and trowel. Wrinkly Nana Chasing the Ghost: ‘P’ By ‘Just a Nana’ Paul Holmes documentary on this subject bought it home to us. You see, we like so many other grandparents are raising our grandchildren because of this drug. We have all the sympathy in the world for families who have to take this dreadful journey with their P addicted children. But for us we have the ‘extra’ layer where children of the addict are involved by default. This is a double whammy for us as two generations are affected, one directly and one indirectly. And yes indeed we are affected also. The damage this drug causes knows no boundaries and has no barriers. We refuse to let this isolate us and drive us into the ground, we have important work to do in raising the awareness of this drug and the dreadful consequences it causes and more importantly to heal and teach the grandchildren. Our stories will be heard! Ka kite. Nan Moana Whangarei Grand’s write: Thanks to the Grand who extolled the virtues of a programme she had been to on Stress Management (GRG Newsletter May 2009) our Whangarei group organised for such a workshop for the Monday before the holidays. We received sponsorship from a local church group and were able to have a highly qualified counselor guide and facilitate us for a three hour workshop which every one who attended found most helpful. All were so enthusiastic that we decided to have another such morning later in the year with Boundaries as the focus. Janet P Kids and Beads: I have been at Waitakere hospital ED this afternoon after one of the three year olds put a bead up her nose. We are never too late to learn something though as the nurses got us to help by one of us behind her holding her forehead back and the other hand over her month while I blew up the clear nostril and after two tries we dislodged it. Thank Goodness. Easy when you know how! Trainee Nurse Gran Wise little man I loved your letters in the last Newsletter...How true...What we do for the love of these kids. Mine has always called me mumma, now mum. He has asked his grandfather to be his father!! That’s our boy...he is like a wise little man. In the Summer Time offer My name is Robin Lee-Robinson and I would like to offer rustic holidays for your members over summer. I’d be there myself and can host groups or families for a small koha to cover costs. I first heard about your orgainsation, and it was possibly you Diane I heard on Pacific speaking with Timothy Giles. Although I’m not a grandparent, I do feel I understand some of the issues. In short, I have an iconic kiwi Bach by the river in the peaceful town of Opotiki (Bay of Plenty)... the bach is small but I have a sleep out and double garage on a quarter acre and often have friends bringing tents as well. It’s a good place for b.b.q’s with the beach and pipis and the bush all within a stones throw. I’m the sort of person who likes to put out the net and have worked in early childhood education and trained in social work so I know all the rules regarding confidentiality etc. I have also worked in the rest home industry and know also the trials of aging. It’s one of the reasons I relocated here...so I could write and be involved in a better quality of life and share my place with others on a holiday type basis. If you are interested then please contact Robin direct. Robin Lee-Robinson 0272296810. P.O Box 456 Opotiki 3152 Totally Devoted to her: Thank you so much for your wonderful newsletter each month. They give us so much enlightenment, joy and encouragement. We have lost our property, our business and our home due to the cost of the fight to keep her safe. We have sacrificed for the pure love of this grandchild, did not Jesus do the same for us- it is the pure love of Christ and I would go to the ends of the earth to give the warmth, clothing, joy, healthy food and love for her. We trust entirely upon God because we know she is far safer here than anywhere else on this earth and is a precious gift from God and I believe she will be ours forever and ever. She stands tall and proud in her own self esteem and hates drugs, alcohol and violence, she speaks out and will be a mighty leader because she has felt the deep pain of selfishness and rejection. She sings like a Bellbird and brings so much joy to others, especially the elderly, through these gifts of a beautiful voice and dance. May God bless you all for your Aroha and caring and sacrifices to help us in our journey back to God. We admire and respect your integrity deeply. This generation will not be a lost one through drugs. The children that have been rescued will be great leaders of tomorrow. We give them the moral values from the past which remain constant – the truth can not be changed, but it can set them free. My Aroha to you all. Nan Jill What we are hearing at the GRG Trust office hot line: Worms are rife (and we do not mean the garden variety) in schools/pre schools at present. Thread worms are thriving everyday in the bottoms of little children and affecting their daily activities and causing sleepless nights for many families. It's not a nice experience but easily identified and treated. I am frequently finding worms a problem for our little pre-school aged non-sleepers and mum and dad are horrified. Worms are spread very easily in the community across all social backgrounds and generations. They are spread most commonly in pre-schoolers' because in my experience the only things toddlers share are germs (and love) and this age group are not always efficient at hand washing, particularly before eating. How do we identify a child with worms? · An infected child has an itchy bottom!! They will naturally be very irritable during the day, frustrated, uncooperative, fidgety, not be able to sit still, cannot concentrate, argumentative and angry. Often the most common reason for children trying to climb out of the cot is that they have worms. · You might suspect someone performed a personality transplant on your little angel! · They want to scratch their bottom and will commonly be seen taking their clothes or nappy off. · They will walk strangely like they are trying to keep a coin safely between their buttocks and having trouble (imagine). · They will frequently urinate and or bed wet at night. · They will not be able to go to sleep and not be able to explain why to you, but will be crying and uncomfortable, not naughty. What to look for: If you suspect worms, look for a pinky/red rash about 2cm wide completely around the outside of the genital area. If you wish to look for worms, keep the room dark, ask for your partners help, comfort the child and 'spring' a torch light onto the exposed bottom. The worms come out at night to lay eggs. This process creates the uncomfortableness and irritability. So in the night time only you will see 1.5cm long wriggling pieces of white sewing cotton, moving fast away from the light, around the anal passage. How to get rid of them · Firstly, collect as many worms as you can see immediately and dispose of them. Your child will feel calmer after the worms have disappeared from the skin. · Apply a thick layer of Vaseline to the anal area to provide temporary relief to the skin and catch any worms that come out again in the night. · Wash in hot water/use the dryer/hot sun on all linen, towels and clothing worn by the child. Repeat for the whole family. The worms can live outside the body long enough to infect everyone. · There are a variety of medications to offer your family. There are one dose liquids, orange chewable tablets and chocolate squares, please do the whole family the day you find the worms and then again 7 days later in case of re-infestation. See your pharmacist for the appropriate dose and the minimum age. · It's a good idea to keep the medication in your medicine cupboard (personal experience), it will be late at night that you discover them, the shops will be closed and no-one can sleep if anyone else has worms crawling out of their bottom! · Please inform your pre-school/daycare centre if your child has them (even anonymously if embarrassed) so that other families can be on the look out for them and the centres can be more proactive with hygiene and symptoms in other children. Always think about whether you would appreciate the warning if another child had worms and played with your child. How do children get worms? · Through their mouth. · The worms come out at night to lay their eggs in the tissue around the anal passage, this causes the skin irritation. · The child scratches their bottom because it's itchy. · The eggs get under the finger nails and are spread onto everything the child touches: toys, toilets, taps, towels, pencils, chairs, etc. · The next child/person touches the same objects and then....doesn't wash their hands before eating/ touching the face and they swallow them. Tip: The simplest form of infection control used in hospitals everyday that prevents doctors and nurses from catching all of the bugs in the hospitals is HAND WASHING. Make it a family routine that no-one eats before they have washed and thoroughly dried their hands. Encourage this at pre-school and day care as well. If we start young enough the children will think it as normal as cleaning their teeth before bed or kissing you good bye. It is up to us as parents to start and lead by example with these sensible habits. GRG Hamilton: Are meeting on the LAST THURSDAY of every month at 12.30pm at the home of Lynn Falconer Coordinator; GRG (Hamilton): 148a Bankwood Road Chartwell Hamilton. Phone: 07 8557280. Bring your lunch - tea/coffee/milo/water provided. Calling Matamata GRG’s: Irene is raising a grandson and would love to be contacted by other GRGs. Phone her on 07 8889200. This could be the beginning of a new GRG group! Michael Jackson's Kids Diane Randall and Laura Motta If you watched the Michael Jackson memorial all the way to its poignant end, when his sobbing 11-year-old daughter declared her love, you couldn’t help but wonder what would become of Paris and her two brothers. While it was reassuring to see that she was lovingly embraced by so many family members on that stage, it was even more satisfying to see her snuggle up next to her grandma throughout the service. As it’s likely 79-year-old Katherine Jackson (she did on 31 July 2009) will get custody of Michael’s kids, we asked Dr. Georgia Witkin, professor of psychiatry and senior editor at Grandparents.com, to tell us what this grandmother can expect—and then we took a look at what’s become of other high-profile people raised by grandparents. Grandparents Rule: According to a survey conducted by Grandparents.com, one in every three households is led by grandparents. Sixty-one percent of grandparents take care of or baby-sit their grandkids on a regular basis, and 12% are the primary caregiver to their grandkids. “The great news is that children seem to thrive with their grandparents”, says Dr. Witkin. “A large-scale survey of adolescents between the ages of 11 and 16 found a correlation between involved grandparents and teen well-being. Why? Most likely because they provide lots of conversation, encouragement, daily problem-solving, and keep them focused on their future.” Of course, age and health issues are going to impact the relationship but, as Witkin points out, “Grandparents can give less divided attention than parents and more patience than brothers or sisters. They give face-to-face time. The only deficit is usually rough and tumble play—and that’s easily provided by friends and siblings!” Celebrities Raised by their Grandparents Pierce Brosnan: His father left when he was an infant, and his mother subsequently went to England to work as a nurse. That’s when actor Pierce Brosnan went to live with his grandparents. He stayed with them until their deaths, and eventually reunited with his mother, who had been living in Scotland. George Lopez: He never knew his father, and his mother left when he was 10. After that, comedian George Lopez was raised by his grandmother, a factory worker named Benne Gutierrez, in southern California. When Lopez got his own sitcom in 2002, he based a character on his grandmother. Carol Burnett: After her parents left—they were both alcoholics—the comedienne was raised by her grandmother in a poor section of Hollywood. The two saw eight movies a week and the scene reenactments that Carol performed for her friends would become the basis of her famous film parodies. Jamie Foxx: This Academy Award-winning entertainer was adopted by his grandparents when he was just seven months old. Foxx frequently credits his grandmother with helping him reach success, and he famously spoke of their relationship in his Oscar acceptance speech. “She was my first acting teacher,” he said. “She told me to stand up straight.” Barack Obama: After attending elementary school in Jakarta, Indonesia, where he lived with his mother and stepfather, Barack Obama returned to his native Hawaii at age 10 to attend the Punahou School—and to live with his grandmother, Madelyn Dunham. She didn’t live to see her grandson elected President of the United States, dying just a day before the election. Jack Nicholson: This Oscar-winning actor thought his grandparents were his parents until he was an adult. In fact, he only learned that Ethyl and John Nicholson were his grandparents in 1974, when a Time magazine journalist broke the news. The woman who he always knew as his sister—June Nicholson—was in fact his mother. James McAvoy: Glasgow-born actor James McAvoy was seven when his parents divorced and he went to live with his maternal grandparents. He remains close with his mother, who lived with the family intermittently, but still has no contact with his father. When McAvoy won a British Academy of Film and Television Arts award for his role in Atonement, he dedicated it to his grandparents. James Earl Jones: Born in Mississippi during the Great Depression, James Earl Jones was raised and eventually adopted by his grandparents, who took him in after his mother left the family to find work. (His father, actor Robert Earl Jones, left before James was born.) Oprah Winfrey: The queen of daytime media was raised for the first six years of her life in Mississippi by her grandmother, Hattie Mae Lee. Winfrey has spoken of their extreme poverty, and how she wore dresses that her grandmother made from potato sacks. She eventually reunited with her parents, living with her mother and father individually, but it was Oprah’s grandmother who first stated that ever since Oprah could talk, she was "on stage." Funding injection for Children's Health Camps Press Release by New Zealand Government at 3:45 pm, 15 Jul 2009 The Government is to invest an extra $1.5 million into Children's Health Camps each year. Social Development and Employment Minister Paula Bennett has announced the funding boost after considering the findings of an independent financial review into the Children's Health Camps. "I'm very pleased we've been able to reach agreement, which will see all seven health camps continue to operate," Ms Bennett says. "The previous Government had washed their hands of this issue and refused to look at ways to move forward. That simply wasn't acceptable to us. "By focussing on what really matters - the wellbeing of Kiwi kids - we've been able to forge a strong working relationship," Ms Bennett says. The extra funding, which is consistent with the review's recommendations, will roll out over the 2009/10 financial year. The Government has agreed to increase the contract it has with the Children's Health Camps by $1.5 million per year. The Ministry of Social Development has been working with the Te Puna Whaiora board since last year to better understand the financial situation and identify solutions to the Trust's funding crisis. “This result is a win-win for all involved. I understand how important the health camps service is to so many families around the country. "We see a lot of potential for Children's Health Camps to develop their relationship with the Government further, in line with our priorities. We look forward to working with Te Puna Whaiora in future," Ms Bennett says. About Children’s Health camps: Te Puna Whaiora - The New Zealand Foundation for Child and Family Health and Development achieves outcomes for vulnerable children and families who are experiencing serious inequalities and are at risk of adverse health, education and welfare outcomes. Children's Health Camps have operated in New Zealand for more than 82 years and comprise seven sites throughout the country in Whangarei, Pakuranga, Gisborne, Rotorua, Otaki, Christchurch and Roxburgh. Te Puna Whaiora makes a real difference in the lives of the children and families enrolled with the service through the provision of programmes designed to: · Decrease risk of poor physical and mental health, poor educational outcomes, school / social exclusion, antisocial behaviour and criminal offending. · Build identity, confidence, positive self image and self control. · Increase social awareness and improve capacity for relationship building. · Enhance life skills; resiliency and cognitive abilities. · Increase individual and family protective factors. · Reduce violent tendencies When kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." Erma Bombeck Enabling Your Troubled Teen - By Kathie Keeler LCSW What is enabling? How is it different from helping?
Helping is doing something for someone else that they can't do for themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone else that they can and should do for themselves. Enabling allows your teen to comfortably continue with his unacceptable behaviour. Enabling can be intentional or unintentional. At any rate, the teen remains the same because there are no consequences for bad behaviour. The enabler facilitates the continuation of unacceptable behaviour. Quiz for parents of teens:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for your teen when they didn't feel like going to school? Are you happier or more gratified when you are doing for others than when you do for yourself? Do you feel guilty spending time, money, or resources on your own projects instead of devoting time to others' needs? Do you take on the problems and cares of others with vigor and become stressed if you cannot solve their problems? Are you annoyed and angry if people don't give you the thanks and accolades you secretly feel you deserve for all the good things you have done for them? Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled your teen to avoid responsibility. Rather than "help" your teen, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse! You have not only enabled your teen, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become affected by the problem yourself. As long as your teen has his enabling system in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny that he has a drinking/ drugging problem - since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become. Some of these choices are not easy for friends and families. If your teen gets in trouble with the law, that affects you. The rest of the family will likely suffer right along with him. Calling the police and reporting your teen's illegal behaviour helps him or her to come face-to-face with the problem. Those kinds of choices are difficult. These choices require "tough love." But it is love. Unless your teen is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realise just how much his drinking/drugging has become a problem - to himself and those around him. Who are the enablers? They can be teachers, doctors, judges, therapists, parents, attorneys, teens....you name it. They are everywhere. They're rich, poor, middle class and everything else. They can be highly educated, uneducated, street-wise, or naïve. Why do they do it? This is most easily understood from the perspective of the symbiotic relationship. The pilot fish tags along with the shark and eats the parasites on the shark. They both get something from the relationship. The shark gets clean; the pilot fish gets food. Like the shark and the pilot fish, the enabler and the addict (or alcoholic or mentally ill or incapacitated person) fit together like a hand in a glove. They both need each other. They both get something out of the relationship. Enablers thrive on the weaknesses and needs of others. They are needed! They take too much responsibility for the actions of others, always feeling they can somehow manipulate the person or situation and somehow bring about a positive change. Beware of "nice" people. Enablers may appear to, and even fool themselves into thinking that they are loving and kind and giving. However, they seek out or "enjoy" relationships with "victims" as these kinds of relationships help them to feel good about themselves. Their acts of kindness are a means of control and manipulation. They exert enormous amounts of energy trying to "help" the victim; if the victim gets better, it does not really meet their aim. They need to feel "needed" and useful thus enabling the victim to remain in their unhealthy situation. Most codependent people gain their sense of self worth from their relationship to the needy person or abusive relative. They feel magnanimous by lavishing all of their time and attention on the other person, never looking at or filling the hole in their personality. Enablers are most likely to "shoot the messenger" because the messenger tells the truth. Like the addict, the enablers don't want to hear the truth. So, they lie to themselves. Because they have an agenda - that you meet their needs to be needed - they aren't interested in healthy solutions. Their motto may as well be, "Let me help you hurt yourself." They are the ones who are most likely to hurt the ones that they say that they love. Enablers have huge unmet needs. Here are some of the typical needs of enablers:
§ the need to be needed, § the need to control things, § the need to be "loved" or appreciated, § the need to rescue, § the need to "look good." They also suffer from mixed-up priorities, poor boundaries, denial and delusions. Unhealthy behaviours. Enablers are typically overly responsible. Their mottos is "Give until it hurts." And they often hurt. They appear to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of the addict. They put all of their focus on the addict. And, although it can be quite subtle, they often manipulate and control others through their "niceness."
Who suffers because of the enabler? Everyone - the addict, the other family members, society and, of course, the enabler herself. Because there are no consequences for bad behaviour, the bad behaviour continues. So everyone suffers. Until the enabler stops enabling, everyone continues to suffer.
Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. Kathie Keeler, LCSW, is the Director of Resolutions. She works as a counselor and has expertise in depression, anxiety disorders, drug and alcohol addictions and specializes in helping parents of addicts. For more information visit http://www.tgcoy.com/ FREE FOR GRGS & Kin Carers: National Caregiver Training FREE October 2009 – See application form at end of the newsletter.
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." ~ Ed Asner
Posted: Tue 25 Aug 2009 |