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June Newsletter 2010
GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDCHILDREN TRUST NZ National Office Newsletter www.grg.org.nz
REPORT TO: Support Group Co-ordinators, GRG Members, Kin Carers, Community Organisations and others.
FROM: NZ National Office Convenor
SUBJECT: National Office NZ Report June 2010
Carer Data base: 4351 members. NCEA Fees:
For Our grand-dads: Men’s Sheds: http://menshseds.org.nz These are popping up all over NZ
Grief and ChildrenSkylight are a non profit organisation supporting New Zealand children, young people and family/whanau who are facing change, loss, trauma and grief - whatever the cause.Aside from working directly with young people, Skylight are also active in supporting professionals and community groups by providing resources, information, books, brochures, training and professional support. You'll find a range of ways we can assist you as you work alongside children, young people and their families/whanau who are going through tough times of change, loss, trauma and grief. Contact Skylight: www.skylight.org.nz 0800 299 100 info@skylight-trust.org.nz
Thinking about trauma: A GRG Group discussion. Reflections: You know talking with a group of grand’s who raise, we reflected upon our feelings (not the grandchildren for once) for us over a period of raising for ten years or more. As the discussion moved around we realised that in all of this, we too have been traumatised. Not only by our own children and yes in some cases by the grandchildren, but also from those who enter into this arena, the so called Professionals and to a degree extended family. Amongst those discussed were: In no particular order.
We are sure you could add more from your own personal experiences. We stepped up to the plate to do the very best for our precious ones with no support, often we were that lone voice, only to have the tables turned against us. If a grandchild is acting out at school the automatic assumption is “what is going on at home” No consideration that this child had suffered past abuse. The same can be said from Social Workers, one was known to have asked the grandchild, “What has your Nan done to make you act like this”. All professionals who are involved need to have a full understanding of Post Traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, attachments issues and brain development. These things can indeed have lasting effects which may not manifest until later in life, or may come and go at various stages. It appears that we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Group of nannies
Looking back at me: Nan P As I glanced into the mirror, what did I see? I saw my late mother looking at me. I moved to the left then to the right, She would not let me out of her sight. I brushed my hair a different way To see if she would go away I peeped behind the mirror to see what I could see No one is there so I guess it is only me. What happened to the young woman that was full of fun? With hair like black coal that shone in the sun? What has bought me to this stage? Only mother nature and darn old age.
My thoughts; Anon Grandparent caregivers are the backbone of a growing informal caregiving population existing outside of the foster care system. By stepping in to care for their grandchildren when parents are unable or unwilling to parent, these caregivers provide stability for children and keep them out of the formal foster care system. These grandparents are quietly taking in these children and giving up friends, family, jobs, savings accounts, retirement, travel plans and their personal life to make sure their grandchildren have a good and loving home. They want nothing for themselves. All they want is for their grandchildren to have a chance to grow, thrive and succeed. The reason for this growing problem can be one or more issues such as drug and alcohol abuse, child abuse and/or neglect, abandonment, poverty, mental health issues, incarcerations or death of a parent. These children have all experienced some type of difficult family situation in their early lives which render them particularly vulnerable. The children cling to the stability, security and love that the grandparents give, causing a very strong bond. A lot of these parents uses their parental power they have to blackmail the grandparent into giving them what they want with the threat of taking the child away. The grandparent gives the parent what they want because they are worried about the safety and welfare of the child. Absent parents can come back into a child's life at any time and because they are the parent, the child is being court ordered to go live with the parent. In many cases, the child does not even have a relationship with their parent. "Because I am your parent" is not a valid reason for any child to be taken away from their home, family and friends. These children are being stripped of their love, safety and security.
I spy: Sitting on the porch swing in the sun having afternoon tea with my just turned 4 year old, we played I spy. “I spy something that begins with M”, he said. “Can we see it “ I asked, ‘no’ he said. Oh ok! Thought of everything that could begin with M, no luck, eventually I gave up. What was it Mvelope! A precious memory. If It Were Not For My Grand-parents: by Misty BucknerIf it were not for my nan and papa would probably not be here today. My mum and dad married young, and they had me when they were young. They did the best that they could do while they were together, but when they divorced, not only their relationships dissolved, but also their relationships with me began to dissolve too. Even before that though, my first and fondest memories are of my nan and papa. Papa worked on a dairy farm, that was almost plantation like in its setup. There were acres and acres of fields, ponds, and woods that my nan and I would walk around before she could not do it any longer. Then I would take off and walk alone. Nan taught me the many things in nature that I know today, and I do not even remember the half of it. They taught me about the true innocence of life, they were there before I let the world corrupt me. You see, it was not so much how active they were with me; it was just the knowing that they were always there for me when it was important. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter, down to the tooth fairy, they were there. They were the first and most vital part of my life. They were the purity of growing, and making do with what one has. My nan passed away seven years ago, and I will say it shattered my whole world. Nothing has been the same without her, not for one day. I am more together now than I have been since I was eleven. I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. After twelve I moved back in with my mum, and got just as wild, if not even doubly so, than she did. My mum and I have began to patch things up now, after fifteen years, but we are on good footing. I have not spoken to my dad in a really long time, and I am beginning to wonder if I should just forgive and let live. My papa is still alive, his birthday is coming up really soon. I can not wait to see him. Either way, through every thing I have gone through in my life. The drugs, promiscuity, never being able to just be in a relationship with anyone without destroying it, through all of that I knew they would be there. I knew that as long as my nan had breath in her body, she was there if i needed her. That is my experience with being raised by my grandparents. I hope I am not the only one who looks back on it with a smile on my face. by JadelenaThe usual sordid story led me to be taken into the care of my grandparents - an abusive family that fell apart followed by a life of drugs to escape the pain until I ran away at 13. After a few days on the street I called my grandfather. No question, no hesitation, no doubt he collected me and took me home. When my parents found out they arrived on the doorstep demanding my return. My grandfather refused to let them in the house or return me and insisted they would end up in court if they wanted to push the issue. He stated that I would be living with him from now on and that that was the end of the matter. It must have broken his heart to do that to his child, but for the first time in my life I felt protected and safe. That was the moment my life changed. It was rough on Nan and Grandad financially, physically and emotionally. During their golden years, they had suddenly acquired a very headstrong teenager with emotional scarring, but they set the boundaries firmly and gently. By example, they taught me consistency, trust, respect and love. They always endeavored to understand, despite the generation gap. With their support and guidance I went back to school, completed my education and went on to university. In just a few weeks I will be graduating from law school and my grandparents will be in the audience. When I get up on the podium, I know they will be proud of me - but not as proud as I am to say that they raised me.
ooOOOoo
Bored?At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren - Discipline and Rules By Jacquelyn Dunn
The inevitable truth of gaining grandparents custody rights is there will have to be new rules of discipline. Some grandparents may worry that setting rules may distance them from their grandchildren but this is not true. Though they may get upset when you become the enforcer, they know deep that if you care deeply about them you will make them mind. The parameters you set and enforce will make your grandchild feel loved and secure. I can remember as a child myself watching other children as they often got to do things I didn't and deep down knowing the reason I did not was because my granny and papaw did not want me to get hurt. I was not raised by my grandparents but lived right next door and they played a big part in my raising and discipline. Truth is that as a grandparent it is not easy introducing rules after they have been so relaxed at your house but you will not be doing the child any favors by not setting rules now that they will be living with you full time. Not setting rules because of the unpleasantness will only prolong out the inevitable. Breaking the rules and pushing the limits is a part of growing up. ( I did it didn't you?) You can't just be your grandchild's friend if indeed you are now their parent to. Your primary role now will be in seeing to it that your grandchild is provided will a loving, caring parent-grandparent atmosphere. Mixing the two roles may not be a pleasant thing at first but everyone should adjust rather quickly. It is in the best interest of the child if you want them to grow up and function properly in society because there are always rules to go by even outside of the home. Communicating with your grandchildren will be the best start of teaching them the new rules. Explain to them why the rules have changed and why they have to. Listening and communicating with them is the key. Your grandchild's feelings should be taken into consideration and their opinions addressed on the issues even if the answer is no to changing the rules they may see is unfair. Sit down and listen to them and explain these new Discipline must consistent or it will only be confusing to your grandchildren. Older children may have a little harder time with the changing of the rules. Being inconsistent will give them mixed signals as to what is expected of them. Children who have been displaced outside of the normal parent/child relationship may come to you with behavioral problems already, so be patient. These children may not have had very good role models to follow so set good example yourself. Children tend to model themselves after what they see and you could be who they are learning from. Ombudsmen's office explains Official Information Act Under the Official Information Act and the Local Government Official Information and Meetings Act, you can request official information from Ministers and central and local government agencies. You do not need to use a particular form when requesting official information. You do not have to state that your request has been made "under the Official Information Act". Your request does not have to be in writing. If you do make it in writing it would be useful to keep a copy and note the date it was sent. If you make your request orally, it would be useful to make a note of what you have requested, when you requested it and who you made the request to. The holder of the information is obliged to inform you of their decision on your request as soon as reasonably practicable and no later than 20 working days after receiving it (unless that time is extended). If you are unhappy with the response that you receive to an official information request (or if you do not receive a response to your request within the statutory or extended time frame), you can complain to the Ombudsmen. To make a complaint or to discuss your problem, contact the Ombudsmen's office.
More information about what the Ombudsmen do is at www.ombudsmen.parliament.nz
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. Too true!
A: There are plenty of relatively simple strategies for grandparents
health is scheduling health care appointments at regular intervals, not waiting until conditions or diseases become symptomatic. Parents tend to neglect their own health needs when raising children because of busy schedules and the needs of the children. Grandparents are even more likely to do so because of the enormous change and stress that usually accompany assuming total responsibilities for grandchildren. Another tip for grandparents is to take breaks when stressed out. A break can be anything from having a friend or relative take care of the grandchildren for an afternoon to spending time with a friend, spending quiet time alone, getting a massage, going shopping or going to a movie when the grandchildren are in school. In other words, the message is to take one day at a time and to do something each day for oneself. The suggestions for grandparents in regard to strategies to reduce stress are the same for grandparents as for anyone else, with the exception of a couple of tips directed toward the grandchildren. General strategies include relaxation techniques, healthy diet, regular exercise, adequate rest and sleep, and a good support system. Suggestions directed toward grandchildren include enjoying activities with grandchildren and laughing together over movies or programs to build bonds and reduce stress. Grandparents also need to make room for their grandchildren so they can have their own personal space for clothes, toys, other belongings and school supplies. Another important tip for grandparents is to get themselves updated on computers and other modern technology because that step will enable them to play computer games with their grandchildren and to help them with school work. Grandparents also might need to take parenting classes on modern principles of discipline and other areas of information on child rearing. Another issue for grandparents is child safety. Grandparents will need to child-proof their homes unless small grandchildren have been regular visitors and the house is already child-proof. Grandparents need to initiate conversations with grandchildren about their parents so the children believe they can share worries, anger or anxiety with their grandparents. Grandparents also need to keep communication open with their adult children who are the parents of the grandchildren involved. They also need to settle the custody issues as quickly as possible, hopefully before or when the grandchildren move in. Lingering control conflicts are detrimental to the children. Grandparents should try to seek help early if they are unsure about whether or not the grandchildren have emotional, behavioral or learning disorders. If school counselors, teachers or pediatricians see red flags regarding the grandchildren, grandparents should follow up with appropriate services for the grandchildren. Grandparents should resist their impulses to overcompensate for past material and emotional neglect of the grandchildren by overindulging them. Meeting their needs realistically is the best way for grandparents to help grandchildren rebuild trust and security. Regarding visitation with parents, grandparents will have to comply with court orders. Grandparents need to support parent-child connections, but they also need to support the grandchildren when parents have sporadic and random contacts and to protect grandchildren when parental visits are prohibited by the courts. Besides the relationships between parents and grandchildren, grandparents need to attend to the relationships between their grandchildren and the schools. Grandparents need to meet with teachers, monitor school performance, meet with counselors, and, in general, partner with the schools of the grandchildren. Not only do grandparents need to seek information from the schools, they also need to provide the schools with information that will enable them to help their grandchildren more effectively. Using good principles of discipline also applies to grandparents raising grandchildren. Basic to good discipline is to refrain from physical punishment, since that teaches children anger and aggressive behaviors are acceptable ways to solve family problems. Using positive discipline for unacceptable behavior consists of first stopping the behavior and then asking for quiet time or private time. However, then there must be discussions of what occurred and why that behavior was unacceptable. The next step is to have the children discuss appropriate consequences, which need to be logical, related to the misbehavior and corrective. Older children can participate in choosing their own consequences. Children can thus increase self-responsibility by initiating positive, corrective solutions for themselves.
We advise you that the National Caregiver Training Programme's Course Calendar through to the end of September has been published on our website: www.caregivertraining.org.nz These courses are now open for registration. You can apply for the courses online. Please provide all contact details possible, including any email address. This will enable us to confirm enrolments, communicate any last minute changes and distribute course certificates. OR
You can complete the application form and send to PO Box 2620, WELLINGTON OR Fax application form to +04 918 9294 If you would like more information about our courses please contact Matt De Wit either by email or by phone 0800 227 305 Or Alice Maguire Alice.maguire002@cyf.govt.nz 04 918 9146 Or Christine O’Sullivan Manager, National Caregiver Training Programme Christine.OSullvan002@cyf.govt.nz DDI : (04) 918 9162 Date Course Location Course # 20/07/2010 Safe Caring Invercargill SC 10/120 23/07/2010 Caregiver Induction Manurewa CI 10/121 23/07/2010 Family Dynamics Oamaru FD 10/122 23/07/2010 Understanding Maltreatment Johnsonville UM 10/123 23/07/2010 Family Dynamics Palmerston North FD 10/124 26/07/2010 Caregiver Induction Nelson CI 10/125 27/07/2010 Understanding Maltreatment Gisborne UM 10/126 30/07/2010 Caregiver Induction Tauranga CI 10/127 30/07/2010 Caregiver Induction Hamilton CI 10/128 30/07/2010 Understanding and Managing Behaviour Grey Lynn CI 10/129 30/07/2010 Caregiver Induction Wanganui CI 10/130 30/07/2010 Non-Violent Crisis Intervention (NVCI) Nelson NV 10/131 3/08/2010 Caregiver Induction Porirua CI 10/132 5/08/2010 Caregiver Induction Hawera CI 10/133 6/08/2010 Caregiver Induction Kaitaia CI 10/134 6/08/2010 Understanding and Managing Behaviour Henderson UB 10/135 6/08/2010 Safe Caring Timaru SC 10/136 13/08/2010 Caregiver Induction Masterton CI 10/137 13/08/2010 Understanding Maltreatment Henderson UM 10/138 13/08/2010 Older Child Blenheim OC 10/139 17/08/2010 Understanding Maltreatment Christchurch UM 10/140 18/08/2010 Legal Issues Napier LI 10/142 19/08/2010 Older Child Wanganui OC 10/141 20/08/2010 Family Dynamics Whangarei FD 10/143 20/08/2010 Caregiver Induction Dunedin CI 10/144 20/08/2010 Safe Caring Rotorua SC 10/145 23/08/2010 Child Health Nelson CH 10/146 27/08/2010 Caregiver Induction Takapuna CI 10/147 27/08/2010 Understanding and Managing Behaviour Johnsonville UB 10/148 27/08/2010 Legal Issues Masterton LI 10/149 3/09/2010 Legal Issues Kaitaia LI 10/151 3/09/2010 Non-Violent Crisis Intervention (NVCI) Dunedin NV 10/152 3/09/2010 Older Child Palmerston North OC 10/153 3/09/2010 Understanding and Managing Behaviour Hamilton UB 10/155 7/09/2010 Older Child Christchurch OC 10/150 9/09/2010 Caregiver Induction New Plymouth CI 10/154 10/09/2010 Caregiver Induction Henderson CI 10/156 10/09/2010 Older Child Lower Hutt OC 10/157 10/09/2010 Family Dynamics Whakatane FD 10/158 10/09/2010 Caregiver Induction Blenheim CI 10/11 10/09/2010 Caregiver Induction Timaru CI 10/160 15/09/2010 Caregiver Induction Hastings CI 10/161 16/09/2010 Legal Issues Wanganui LI 10/162 17/09/2010 Safe Caring Grey Lynn SC 10/163 24/09/2010 Safe Caring Wellington SC 10/164 24/09/2010 Caregiver Induction Greymouth CI 10/165
Di & Team National Convenor heoi ano, na E te Atua, aroha mai..... O God shower us with love Ka kite
Can we help you? Members Services Field Officers: Alison Cuthbert: Alison was a Social worker for over 40yrs, 26 of those as a senior social worker for the Royal N.Z Navy. She is able and confidant to attend CYF Family Group Conferences (where practicable) to act as a support person for GRG's. I am an Independent Adoption Counsellor. A Family Court Counsellor working with those who have relationship issues and is familiar with the Family Court procedures related to general counselling and court procedures when applications are being made for who will assume the Primary Care Role for children. Ph 09 445 9671 Toll call, use 0800 345 671 Nola Adams: Telephone advice can be given on the following topics Justice and Prison system, including Youth Court Family Court applications: for persons wishing to self-represent: Child Youth and Family representation where practicable/advice. Disability advice and Schooling system. Nola can be contacted on ph 06 845 3141 Toll call, use 0508 367474
Please feel free to send/email this report on to others whom you think may be interested: Please pass this on to other grandparents/kin carers you know of. Disclaimer: Views expressed in this newsletter may not be the views of the GRG Trust. Articles produced in this newsletter have copyright. GRG Trust Head Office hours are 9am-3pm daily. (We raise grandchildren too) We are a voluntary organisation. All donations to the GRG Trust are tax deductible.
Abreviations: GRG – Grandparents Raising Grandchildren H/O – Head Office H/B – Handbook BOT – Board of Trustees CYF – Child Youth & Family Services Co’s – Co-ordinator/s UCB – Unsupported Child Benefit. WINZ – Work & Income NZ now DWI – Department of Work & Income Grands – Grandparents G/c – grandchild/ren Kin – Kinship Carers BPS – Business Professional Services. Our out Secretarial Service.
Are your children under CYF? Do you have trouble getting hold of your Social Worker? If this is the case then you can call 0508 CARER 0508 227 377 they will then make sure you are spoken to by your Social Worker and if they are not available then someone else will talk to you.
www.grg.org.nz or www.kin.org.nz or www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz or www.raisinggrandchildren.net Email office@grg.org.nz Free Phone 0800 GRANDS or 0800 472637 (not for use for Auckland callers) Telephone: (09) 480 6530 Fax: (09) 480 6572 Postal Add: PO Box 34 892 Birkenhead. Auckland 0742
If you no longer wish to receive this newsletter please contact the Trust Office as this is where the total mail out membership is kept. Moved home or planning to? Be sure to let us know.
We are a Charitable Trust This National newsletter is proudly sponsored by a donation from Sovereign Sunshine with sincere thanks to our members, colleagues and friends in voting for our Charity in April 2010.
Posted: Thu 24 Jun 2010 |